the lonely

 sick and alone

pills, fell asleep

i felt so bad like wanted someone to be here, show up for me

like georgia its just me

tio dennis would show and also one time michael. i felt like i was taking him away from his family

thats the feeling. no call to check up. i texted like in case you are wondering i'm doing better.

him and uncle once called me to tell me they were getting me a car. i dont like jokes like that.

especially when you need it.

i thought of alaka, and peace we havent talked.

i thought of family, all here but not here, same as before so same story

then i thought these lessons are the lessons.

and i look over my life, and see that it's always been me and God

God made a way for me, god told me to go to new brunswick then georgia, then florida.

God is silent now, no directions. i'm doing the DR trip to obey what He said when he was talking.

the guy i was waiting for just got married. I had a dream, the dream I had was 2 years ago.

2 years ago before this happened. Maybe God was warning me. that's how i found out he had a girlfriend. 

he had posted her online and she looked like exactly how she looked in the dream.

My goal was not to emotionally depend on Alaka and Jane after Georgia. I purposely didn't call them when I wanted to speak to someone. 

Now I've gotten used to it. I had Jenny for a while. the distance has done us good. 

I'm still not rich, worked a year the W2 said 30k which I was surprised because its the same I made when I went to NY and had all those contracts. When money dried up, it was time to go. 

What does Auris need?

Go to bible and God when I feel this way. Stay in my bible, don't go outside, can't go, my foot is a mess. 

I'm always mad at people not being there for me. or maybe being sick is me recognizing how alone I am. 

You would think I would get used to it by now. 

THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR:

- I have health insurance. Zocdoc is great, I didn't have to go out of pocket to get medicine needed.

Alex had school off today and Monday and I don't work both days so don't have to walk and go out and stress. 

CAR

-once taking the Jeep out of it, it's not exciting to me.

Then I'm like why am I getting one? because living here requires one. and Zari's way of getting one so jacked up I will have to replace the tires. I'm like not looking foward to that.

VOICE IS RINGING IN MY EAR: ladies should not have old cars. his single mother got old car then had to always repair it and that's how she met the mechanic and they started dating and that's how the guy later on shot her in the face. very violent. he had to keep doing comedy to pay for the hospital bills. 

what a story.

back to my story. he said we shouldn't have old cars and that's how I feel. The requirements the guy gave me, those cars are 10k. Maybe I should reach out to that place in jersey city, horrible location but it is there.