Wall of awful

 okay according to this youtube video

why do i have a hard time doing a simple task

they said there is a wall of awful around it, an emotional wall not physical

ok so let's dig deep. whats my wall of awful around the task of taking remote job task?

1. failure- i tired in Orlando never landed a remote job

2. i took cybersecurity school course- that didn't help me land my role. and it was wrong school to pick. and i gave my all 2024 for it. enough so that i needed time to heal from that failure.

3. stack wins, maybe its so many failures that i try to make sense of it?

4. who will i disappoint? If I get a remote job, then I will want to leave (why stay here if I don't like it here?) and scared to disappoint mom Lesly Cesar. even though I don't talk to Cesar and mom is staying out of my way, she doesn't visit, come around, or call and expects me to visit her which I told her I wont. and when I call, it's been bad experiences of her lying (saying she was not going to Lesly's house and she did) or that she will bring mail (3 times we had that conversation) and she did not. 

OKAY SO LET'S BREAK IT DOWN

I'm afraid to disappoint Cesar, Lesly and Mom. they are already disappointed in me and don't accept me. Blacksheep, all of that. I went to Florida was supposed to heal from all this stuff. Why do I still want their love? and when will I accept that the love I seek is not there?

I saught it out in friends and when friends leave its like a member of a family leaving. When Sam said that's it, that really broke me at that moment. I have survived and he betrayed me in ways before that that i kept forgiving. 

== REALIZATION WOW== maybe that's why it was so hard not having Jane around.

Alakas, Jenny told me to let it go. the problem with him and God and me and God are A1 close so. but i've never used that as a reason for anyone. 

Okay so I shouldn't be afraid of disappointing them. and Guru guy from Instagram said people that love you should want for you travel and be here and live out your dreams. that is real love yes. Not this tainted love. Stay in this town and do what we expect forever, not caring about my personal happiness.

What does love look like? What does friendship look like? 

Friendship looks like caring, being empathetic, and wanting to hang out. Not just me seeking them out. 

I know everyone has their things but i'm tired of making excuses for people. 

Alaka calls me for favors, hey can you translate? hey can you transcribe this video? hey can you help us sell our furniture? hey can you come over and pack? come over for dinner, far thought. that's what one does to friends. he basically treats me like his personal errand girl. 

It's hard to admit this. but when I put it all on paper, this is what become visible. the time with the trading, was it because he needed someone to talk to? for me i believed his plan of making money, and like all the other plans we have been a part of, this one didnt make no money. took 6 months of my life that I cant get back and when i couldnt be broke anymore i had to stop. 

he said he kept goign and paid off his debts. he critized me for stopping, not understanding that i couldnt and i dont have the same stability of his. he doesnt understand. you could have learned a skill that would have step you and your child up. i hated that trading thing. i learned about myself that mornings are important to me. i hated waking up and giving up my morning, a precious time, to the market then it would derail the whole rest of the day and homeschooling and cooking and cleaning and of course, my time with God.

There was a time i thought we would share, wealth, things, advice. as time goes on i see as he increases in wealth he keeps it all to himself. i was sleeping on the streets he did not call to check on me and see if i was okay. that is minimal. he sent 100 one time to replace the phone. that was it.

I deserve better than this. my definition of friend is more than this. it hurts that the people I love dont love me back with the same intensity. but that was the gift that Florida gave me. It allowed me to see, in real time, what people would or would not do for me. I'm working now and i'm on the other side. i see how someone who lives check to check cannot constantly help someone else. 

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I read it over, everything is based off the past. I'm basically started of starting something new and it fails. Ive made big jumps and I end up in Bayonne again, back to my mom's again and I am tired of it. I want to jump and not come back, and have my peace, you know the thing I pay for.

I realized this week I pay rent for peace. so that I don't have to hear my mother and have a place that I can just be me. I don't like that they can be so close but they never visit. but I'm miserable. Just not happy here. Its cold everytime I step outside and there is no community and nothing fun to do. Money runs out as quickly as I get it.  Rent and food and none left over to go out and do something. I want more for me.

FOCUS ON THE IDEAL.

So let me re-arrange it. take the course. redo resume. get up from under Platinum Dental. I hate that place and mostly, working with Kathy. The last "review" what I got from that is that they don't appreciate me. Nothing good to say. I made all the meals nice and packaged and labeled, nobody said thank you. i spent a year with curly hair I come in with straight hair and no one mentions it, like at all. 

Gen had got a haircut and people said something. It's like I'm not treated with respect. I avoid Kathy, yes even still I look to the system to answer all my questions. I asked her a question this week and she told me "What I should have done." Same experience, she says to ask questions but then asks so weird when she is asked a question. 

She truly doesn't know how to teach. or is kind to repeat things. 

Maybe all this stuff is it. All the stuff in my brain and my current life. Have I forgotten that I can have anything I want? I want a remote job I can have one. If God willing. 

Do I not believe I deserve it? Or is it that I miss Miami so much. Am I afraid to want it? Am I afraid of going back? or is it that i'm unclear about what's next? 1 year in florida then go live outside of the country was the goal. that's as far as I saw my life. Now I've been here 1 year. Now that Im finally comfortable am I afraid of losing it all?

and the other day I saw miami pics and the trauma came back. i started feeling unsafe in my body. and there is a part of me that doesnt trust myself. around men. there is the free daycare here, sis has been a support. even though i think at times I've giving up too much to not have a commute. 

and living with a guy roommate was never my dream. Pero el no molesta. Feels like I have place to myself so that hasn't been too bad.

BUT WHAT'S THE DREAM?

live in miami beach, in a building, pool at the bottom, can walk to the beach. me and Alex living in a nice place and he can play instruments. I can play instruments. Stability is needed, a floor to stand in. Everytime I log on online i see travel destinations and fix credit and businessess to join in.

I KNOW THE BEST BUSINESS IDEAS ARE ALREADY INSIDE ME. The things I want to create. They scream to me another day. 

BACK TO THE VIDEO- CLIMB THE WALL.

gear yourself up. sitting with the dread and talk your way into it. Give yourself talk to talk through the wall of awful then do the task you are procastinating on.