Journal

 I watched Harlem. (the ending was so good!)

washed the green shoes

Jackie came and got the bag.

I caught up with Jenny today. We talked about finally meeting up in person.  All the things we can do.

Once money, car and more freedom is in my hands. 

only thing left is to return Lesly's package thing.

Lesly didn't bring the chicken. Zari didn't call. Shar didn't call.

Alaka called. I didnt pick up. I said to self, he will text if its important.

It was hard. and I reminded myself all the times he's done that to me. 

How many times I have called and he hasn't picked up or called back.

Then when he needs me, I pick up first ring. Drop everything, be available.

No more.

I saw a post today, why you loyal to someone you give 100 percent and they give 10.

I'm like wow and I thought of him. I'm sick of making excuses for him and now his wife. 

He didn't want me to speak to her but want me to come over and do maid things. 

I'm good. I think i'm good too on going to people's houses. I'm tired of being in spaces where I cant be myself. Its a constant performance. 

The other day I put my feet up and Lesly and Adam noticed. I didn't. I'm a physical person. Always constrained in that sitting position at my job. wearing those stupid uniforms. 

It's Saturday and there is nothing else to eat. The beef Yanquel donated smelled funny. I threw it out didn't risk it. 

At the job they basically said i suck but didnt fire me. It's like the threat of getting fired. Maybe they are hoping I leave. an environment that doesnt teach, leadership is put on lady who is not even in the state and when things go wrong no one wants to get yelled at. verbal abuse making its way down. i was only talked to twice badly by one of the dentist.

and the bad things if they happen is all that is reported. all the good goes unnoticed. It's not my place. It never was. I walk my kid to school. i dont need a live in nanny. or a long commute. that's what i was committed to. had no idea it would be so hard. or work with someone i dislike so much. reminds me of my old boss Kara. she was hard to like, i tried so much to find something in her to like, but no, did not find it. 

That old job people liked to joke about being broke and i never thoguht it was funny. here ppl dont mention it even though M be falling apart like every 3 months. and M be complaining every day and they complain about W but do they ever say it to their face? i'm bold and i've put up with all of their shit for a check. never had to do it like this in my life. 

this job is beneath me. oh thoes words were in me to say, idk where they came from but they were there. how dare they try to humiliate me. not for my resume or skills or intelligence but how well i do a job that i have no relation to. reminds me of McDonalds. girls made that i wasnt an expert at mcdonalds. i've never had to be. i'm so glad i never step foot in there unless i still do like that caramel sunday. gotta figure out how to make that at home.

flying away was always the answer. i went away, found myself. even when i'm not around yall, ya'll are in my head. i talk about yall. nothing else in this brain.  

Today i walked and thoughts came of fucked up things Cesar and fam has said. i said i release you, in 2025 i will fill joy. i'm not holding on to those things anymore.