I spent so much time

 thinking about you

the promise

the things God had said

the future i planned, 

the waiting, the believing, the action.

i'm in a preparation season but like obviously of what I have on my side

my son, myself and lack of investments lol

I wanted you to come along and love me, of course

I was looking to be all that you required,

love being something in which you might have to give some things up

to get what you wanted

I had no idea I could find a well of water inside myself,

peace and abundance inside of myself

I want to become the me that I SEE

owns real estate, has things and can easily give.

teaches, guides, is valuable

i spent so much time

now i spend my time

with the things i signed up for this year

my sons's school, this job, this bootcamp. foundational, laying a brick

with the desire to move so deep inside of me

and afraid that life will be this, living someone else's life or filter

grateful for the time together

but missing the depth of deep conversations

missing the depth of being really known

loving my son 

and that feeling of wanting to give him more

to you Lord i give my anxieties and thoughts you

you have guided us thus far

I made a big swing and fell on the concrete

but you were there to pick me up

and I know its not something people will understand

and to be honest its not something I will truly understand

but God how I loved the freedom of not being bound to one place

to be able to walk and explore and there was no limit.

who am I? what am i working towards? it was nice seeing Blanca the other day

but to be honest Bayonne's memories are all tied to the past

I want to keep having new experiences

when Lesly spoke last week it made me feel vulnerable like money

I aint making enough

she said when u get stable

like when wages catch up to rent?

I'll be getting old waiting for that to happen

they stayed here because they got into housing

tha'ts not my story

i have given it up before, i can do it again

the risk i am willing to take

i sdaid to rebecca that i met that i wanted to go snorkeling wiht her and i meant it

and to yuli that i could maybe go to 
DR in 6 months, oh how i hoped that would be true as well

i never meant tjhis to be my reality

and how i hope, and how i wish, and how i pray, and how i believe

and yes its a disgrace. i dont read my bible as much as i used to

and i reach out to the wrong things to give me comfort

and they dont give me comfort, they give me more of a feeling

a substitute of the real thing. and then scared of the real thing

here i go again, avoiding the subject

writer, photographer, lover of music. i discovered so much about myself in Florida

now i'[m back in this state and back to this grind. where no one enjoys life

at least me ( i always escape, i catch my breath, i survive)

I like my sis has her place and her family and she has things, perfectly organized and that routine

but its clearly mot what I want

I revel in freedom, being able to move, being able to travel

have I been able to do any of those things? 

you need to be planted. I spent years being planted

now I want to fly. I've learned enough, this is why we cry.

I feel like too much time at the cafe, am I appreciated

did ala speak to Kev? don't know, not really interested.

my soul wants to speak, and cry and God my store is not for everyone to hear

I learned it all happens to me and I am the one that has to pick up the pieces.