I deserve

 a love that is all mine

to be chosen

to not be triggered by rejection 

and past 

and sinking feelings that go into the concrete like trash

Kansas is 15 hours from beach, the lady said

she went from there to NJ Cape May and she was happy because it was an hour away

Everyone buys a home and sends kids to school, 15 years. Settle somewhere

I feel like the butterfly

Every day I fight the urge to move

having a kid didn't change that in me

to be honest didn't know I was so much like this until I went free

the land I desire

porque espero que el me diga algo?

hoy mire a su cara, directamente

el no se dio cuenta

just like I thought, he was there

I was correct in that assessment

it would have been a mistake

but yeah, it happened.

I JUST HATE THAT IT ALL REMINDS ME OF ANGEL.

YEAH, ANGEL THAT ASSHOLE.

How all these emotions live in me

the good the bad and I have access to them all

control your emotions, do not give into the fears.

it comes and goes. it comes and goes.

I gotta rock myself back into a peace.

that the next wind or storm ravels it back up.

On another note, gotta get far from Dre.

he just keeps doing gaslighting, accusing stuff, just grumpy. 

he said he doesnt 'like how i talk to him lately'

i was updating him on 2 things that were pending.

last thing i said to him before that was condolences.

and before that, we hung out and everything was cool.

he was accusing me of being moody when he was the one being moody.

no matter what I do, it's never enough for him,

he's like a big baby that needs attention

and then when I'm in a rush he always wants to create a problem

like I'm supposed to solve it but guess what the problem is: me.

It's a trap I seem to fall into. My mom and him, similar characteristics.

I give in because they never stop reaching and out supposedly caring

but why the people that care for me treat me so horrible and don't bring

anything good.

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done

want to breathe, breathe, breathe

He was so cute and smiling and ahh when I saw him

now in the space he has given me it caused me anxiety.

I wish I had my own place to go away into.

But this will change nothing, I am such a certain sensitive person.

In FL I expected people to give more. 

the fact that I'm in life alone, still something I am getting used to.

I do want you to understand, it's getting a lot better.

The experience of being myself. I am the first voice I hear.

and its uplifting.  and its valuable. and its kind.

the way I get treated like a rag that is thrown around

yes I get that I don't have a car

and money and wealth

but that doesn't define me

and when I have it, won't you be any the wiser

life is like a cruel joke sometimes I think I'm programmed wrong

like all I like is wrong

a guy that is nice and smiles and good convo

turns out to be young, possibly too young

but why don't I connect with anyone old?

I did connect one time with an older person but

he was so young in everything, he was an anomaly

I felt so good, like my internal system is good.

I can't believe she said what she said

If he locks in, he is faithful

he will marry you

How come she said that? damn, she said it so easy

Like I'm someone someone will marry

the (author) Dodge's story made me think of how his marriage was wrong

I was shocked because I looked at marriage as something

 I've always wanted and never had

shocked me that someone would say it was wrong, that it was something that was a bad idea

then I got to know myself and got into that.

we grow the way we grow and we get used to things

the way they are. 

okay, mind is settled.

God I was starting to like him

I really was

and it stopped before it got further

just like James.

When will I get it right?

then I got reminded about the fish analogy

he will chase you, he will like you, you won't have to do a thing.

I won't have to do a thing

love is not supposed to be this hard

you were  proud of your growth, you walked and you were able to be in your zone and 

you know how to enjoy yourself

and be in your own skin

and not have a cheerleader and how long did it take you to get to that?

yeah, I see that. how did it all make me feel?

rejected, not picked, not valuable, not good feelings.

made me feel like I'm chasing after someone which I don't like.

he did struck me like he didn't know what he wanted and

I know it's not like I'm in a position to do anything really.

but the possibility of it all made me excited.

like allowing some sunlight to finally get into the plant that is my heart.

my heart who has been under the shade this whole time, 

afraid to open up and afraid to desire.

My brother in the program is so positive and so great (Bryan)

It's uplifting to speak to him as well as Mark from church

People who see me for me

Push me, encourage me. To be all that I can be.

My faith never wavered, Mark said, no matter how the situation looked.

Bryan said he knew I was going to get in, I didn't think so but he knew. 

God's grace is so bountiful, I feel it so much now.

I was feeling so behind today and God reminded me of where I was last year.

Outside, no hope of nothing and getting ahead was not even in the cards, it was all hope 

the energy towards money needs to change. 

oh man like $100 towards a stock like Nivida, man that would feel great.

stack, stack, stack they say. 

Foundation must be built on something other than sand.

We get lonely then we start filling it in with people, places and things.

I feel so grateful, it felt so good to just be able to take a walk today. 

No one to bother me, to call me, the nice breeze and night and walk and go to the gym and it's all good.

He didn't text, didn't check on me. I have to provide for myself like I provide for my son.

Is anyone else the wiser?

Danielle lives a great life; soft girl era life is almost hard to believe. 

Entrepreneurs, they always find a way to win. 

and the ecommerce guy in Mexico, makes me think makes me think

does the way matter? as long as we get there, no.

financial literacy is mine.

have to live a life I am proud of and everyday I wake up 

and want to do it.

That's the goal. In this moment, I have no idea how to get there,

Kidding I see the ecommerce thing and I'm in a tech bootcamp. 

How many years did I want this opportunity. and now I'm in it.

It's so serious to me, even if no one else gets it.

Miami I felt free. the location freedom. I was also listening to

the voices. It guided me. I called it God. I dont know what to think of it sometimes. 

It's hard to say. I doubt myself. I am, I was free because when I went no contact it gave me a 

freedom I never had before, to think for myself. To stop thinking how my decisions will 

affect the people around me. It was like, so liberating, you know?