Staying up these nights

 and i cant sleep

something is unrest in my soul, i can already feel it

its been brewing

i'm tired of speaking and not being understood

i'm tired of being in charge of someone happiness

not matter what i do i feel like theyre not happy

i refuse to explain myself further

why did you go away? why so far away?

Can a psychologist tell you? if i have to tell you what is the point.

the train, you didn't like the train i rode.  what does that have to do with me?

i rode a train to visit you, you have a problem with that. and bring Alex into it. always alex

always horrible, all i do. good enough for me, not for my kid.

horrible horrible, horrible

I'm sick of all this shit, for real

scared I'll leave 

call cops because walk is too long

my independence threatens you

we want you to be stable

the new thing 

its always a thing that I'm missing huh

hubbie career now its stability

Can I be left alone

and that's it

to fight this battle i have to care less

idk what to do

everyday its survival i hate the job and the place

Tonight I went to the check out the spot and I walked back

and I was like wow

first time I've done that I didn't get no calls

a simple walk

the other night I did a walk too, I loved it. 

staying up at night, afraid to email Jane

when did i start feeling like this? always, really.

trusting someone, or kind of liking someone feels new

i felt so old but now i looked in the mirror i'm like no, i'm still cute

my son adores me

i dont see it or put myself down a bit, idk

this it the most innermost of me

constantly scared 

can i turn it around? have some faith?

lesly said it wold all go well. i was saying its more things for me to do in the same amount of time.

i feel like ive tried to be open and honest and the rug was pulled under me

the way my brother spoke to me no one should speak to me ever

he never apologized and he probably never will

i'm supposed to hang out with someone that doesnt give a crap about me

the interview and the questions and what for

do you care? i dont feel it/ see it

logic, i wish i thought like you

Jenny i feel like i'm irritating her or she's not getting the thing

maybe i should stop calling her

me sharing my life i dont want her to get stressed out

she's going through her stuff i know

hearing she doesnt want to go with us was a big letdown to be honest

i knew it in my heart of hearts

it was hard to hear because i was like how am i going to do all this stuff?

then i want to cry thinking about it

what to do?

Today I found a place I can get it tomorrow and move on, like people say/do

live in housing not my dream. live in it in bayonne even further from the truth. 

loser loser those thoguhts were always there

the scar to mental health after all i went through

like cookie things have moved on and you have to navigate

one thing i learned in my time is how repsonsible i am for everything and 

it makes you liberated. because nothing else does

Porfirio's mom house burned down and i reached out and i couldn't even get a call back.

i was upset about that but obviously i am not a priority and haven't been in a long time.

it sucks, that fact. someone that was so close can be so far. 

even when i hung out with the Alaka i felt like i was substituting for my own family

i was glad to be there

i just longed for my own

but have so many issues with mine, i'm not sure what else to do. 

i remember how hurt i was after every visit. 

I'm tired of putting out fires. its always the same story.

I'm  interesting now. I rather you don't focus on me. 

I wish I didn't care. the person that cares the least is the best one left off.

I should schedule a call with Quiana, if she'll have me. she was my support at that time.