Letter to God

Lately I've been afraid of you

yes, I walk and supposed to talk with you

hiding from my consciousness like its yesterday's news

this is a new world and social media is what's used to connect 

I'm introverted lately, always using the phone to get in touch with people I don't live near to

I wished to make a life like you showed me

I have a room and a bed on the floor

talked to a guy that was short

now that's done

I see 2 weeks ago I was starting to feel empty

I felt my strength growing, definitely miss 

Mark's encouraging words

This week has been so up and down

I complained outside about Kathy

wondering the whole time if its me

and then not knowing what to do about it

goodness, I just knew I need to change this.

got something, money close to the floor.

wishing I could do something that would mean something

that would get me more.

Yeah of course don't want to lose.

I like having a room to go back to, a place to not be outside.

We can sit, we can relax. no one yelling at me.

Will this be the week, Auris tell yourself like you told Angel:

you are powerful, creator of worlds.

create my world. stop being in doubt, keep hustling. 

be grateful. be grateful.

YOU ARE HERE FOR SOMETHING.

it just feels like I'm hustling backwards, God.

I was so in touch when I was in FL.

here, it's not the same. the colors, the brightness is not the same. 

the sand by the park a little piece of a real beach.

the river, it got taken over by the logistics industry.

i get it, make money. i dont work enough but is it enough?

work on the resume, get it done. 

GRATITUDE, GRATITUDE,

I'm surrounded by people that stayed and kept this life.

I left, come back a beggar.

no physical things to show for the time that has passed.

just the peace I struggled so hard to find.

a kid whose connection also we worked so hard to find, our vibe as a family. 

I don't know why I keep crying all these days.

I keep ignoring them I feel out of place. 

I'm tired of being accused so I separate myself.

starting to get flashbacks of things that were said

how you can give up on me

because a story that mommy said, and what

me not answering the door for someone

means you can not care?

that is all it takes.

one interaction, one story, no one calls me

everyone believes her. i'm eternally the enemy.

I come from far, no one cares. dont ask me why i do stuff, 

they just assume. they gloss over things and have secret meetings

c said why am i not a journalist or someone that did something

what i contribute is not appreciated or the sacrifices i made not seen

denisse worked, her mother supported her, she wasnt seen. 

Gabi either. accountant in NY i heard. i just know she married and went away,

the right thing to do i guess.

my life keeps going it was getting happy and peaceful and glad.

im fighting to hold on like the sand that escapes teh hand.

the wealthiest country of the world

but i see my wealth in sunshine and beaches and great fruit

and true love.

not condo associations, mortages and more debt to enter into my world.

talked to porfirio today and it was great to catch up. his commute is crazy and boy got married!

so cool and unexpected. 

wonder if we can do something for Porfirio's mom and his family. wonder if we can visit. 

goodness wish I could give them some money. 

God you know i'm working hard, so scared of that next step. 

keep giving my time to others will it ever be enough?

i hope I'm not being too loud in the house, nxt payment is due.

its all good. i went from having 2 payments after the weekend just one. 

i cut my hours for the deliverable just want to get hired yes.

I can attract anything, isn't that what they said? 

I got Georgia, and the car last time. I felt invincible.

work and get things is the formula here, I get it.

don't expect grace, be grateful when its given.

hard to do when it comes to family. we ignore each other until the world ends.