I guess

 I guess i am less interested in my voice these days

its 5/21/2022

my kid just turned 8

I am cleaning the house and prepping my hair to do some braids 

(new hairstyles). I got some challenges coming up for the week, mainly waking up at 7am

which would have been nothing 2 years ago.

I let someone into my life that didnt' deserve it in the first place.

part of me wanted to reach out as I missed the call

but then I thought of me and what I needed 

and I said, why? So I left it at that.

That is all I have to say for now.

Not speaking to many works for me, even though

it feels weird at times. Like hey i spent so many years with you.

now the only way to contact is by phone and the thing about the phone is,

the only way to carry on is to, well, speak.

where in real life maybe people can ignore each other with tasks and cooking

and feeding and talking behind your back.

had we ever had this many phone conversations? probably not.

the closeness and intimacy of it is there

Me, knowing what I am doing and working on is not worth sharing as past lives have shown me, I have learned to keep all to self until I figure it out (figure me out, what is left). and I'll come back to you and say 'hey, i succeeded in this.' and that will be that.

Maybe I am doing it wrong. but why does it feel so good? 

My bro hasn't talked to me in the phone for years and I'm sure he doesn't feel guilty about it

maybe my new norm has something to it

as women we are told constantly to be nice and to think of others

and we do so many things to be socially acceptable

and kill ourselves to do these things that we are 'supposed' to do

like follow someone else's rules that you don't agree with in the first place

I guess what i created for myself is a space where I don't have to do such things

I can be me, and have space to figure that out

and wow it was hard when me and Jane got into that fight

I thought i was going to lose her, and I almost couldn't breathe

idk why it scares me so much losing the people in my close circle..

But more so, been trying hard to motivate myself lately and not be so much in 'rest'

That's what i was struggling with last month and the last year just different health issues that keep coming up. health is wealth.

See? maybe this is why I don't like to speak. its not that i dont like my voice.

It's that the past is boring, and its always the same and the bitterness that i feel when i speak on these things. 

So I listen to things that alter my mind a bit yes

Good stuff, to draw this ones out.

I say climb a mountain because I believe I would love it. maybe I won't, maybe I will.

but God, isn't it awesome to be able to find out?

Things to unlock with more money, the currency of this world:

-Possibility of going to DR and spend a week with my father and connect with the Arias family

-Climbing a mountain in Utah

-Going to Hawaii and going snorkeling

-also want to do a Helicopter ride

-pick next country I want to live in

-apply to the school $80 a month to get Alex in with the scholarship