Lonely

The loneliness is blinding

it causes this pain that you can't hide

or maybe you can go outside and be around other

I remember I used to walk into the streets needing a hug so bad

but knowing I wasn't going to get one

not from mother, brother, sister

I get complaints and all the things that I can improve

They didn't know how to tell me that I was good

so I took their words and made it my image

I was the clay, I molded myself after their expectations

and it was never good

I was always a work in process

and no matter how many accolades and awards, at the end of the day

no one cares

and the things I do for me, the things I like to do, she never showed up for that

it wasn't important. doing dishes and cooking after work was. she didn't know how to show up for me.

One time she came to an event with me and it was so whack. she wanted to leave right away.

I wanted to stay and say hi, I was never around people. It would have been the only chance to be

around my classmates outside of class. She didn't get that. She scolded me and cursed me for wanting to stay 5 minutes after the event was over. and that was it. that was high school. that moment never came again.

I was like a prisoner, never allowed to go outside. I also wasn't allowed to make calls. that is so crazy now, thinking of how my life was back then as a teenager. no wonder I broke out.

I'm not meant to be controlled. I also don't like to be told what to do. but I'm also submissive as hell in my personal life. I guess I'm a walking contradiction.

I'm aggressive when I need to be, when its needed. I would love if it wasn't needed. but I like the results I get when I don't give up and I get what I want. It's pretty cool.

In my life God has asked me a couple of times to get up and go, to leave everything behind.

It's crazy when you keep changing and the people around you keep staying the same. then they look at you like you are weird, but don't they remember? I was always weird. They made jokes about it.

Now I'm exploring how to make my own jokes. allow people to laugh at me where before I used to run away from it.

It's crazy that all those texts are gone. all those ideas. But at the same time, its my fault for not cleaning them all out when I had the chance after January.

I still have my inbox left. But its okay, all will get done in time. I rest a lot, then nothing gets done.

You can see how messy my house is, it means I got a lot of rest for a couple of days.

To eat, to cook or to do dishes? I'm like a mummy who should be dead but its still alive.

I breathe, breathe, feeling the fire burning deep inside. I want to conquer, something is rising in me.

I'm so clear. and I've been so not clear in the past. I know what I gotta do. At the same time, I know just enough information to move. I don't know what you got cooking up there, God but I know that you got the plan I'm gonna follow it to the best of my ability.