But

Could it be

that the silence is deafening

and as loud as it was to have you around

is it easier to be around others and their feelings and their emotions than deal with my own?

its that was codependency is?

or am I excited about this assignment because I know it will lead to good things

not like this life here in Jesup where everyday passes the same as a the last, yup another day I didn't make money.

everyday, no matter what I do, yup I didn't make money.

Money comes easily, frequently and abundantly. 

God as you reveal the things to me they come in droves. I cried at the desk right after the Toastmaster meeting. I am allowing the emotions to flow through me. I understand I didn't get the chance to cry these tears before. and they were coming out. 

But God, I never expected them to come out in front of a person, Samuel. why did all that happen? was it all part of a plan? be vulnerable and fall apart? and he didn't leave. it was wild to me. People always leave. and I get locked away, when I feel too much.

But God you showed me, that was my trauma, that is no longer my reality. Auris now is safe to feel. No one will lock me away and take away the key and make me sign away my rights because I was 17. and no one will call me sick then blame me for being sick.

I wasn't sick, I was  problem child because I required more than the coldness no talking and food there and the rules that I wasn't allowed to go outside or be with friends. I was only allowed to clean the house and do my homework. I wasn't allowed to have feelings or describe them. I wrote but even then my mom could feel my disappointment then she would get mad at me for not being happy with her Auris cant go outside and do nothing with her friends rules. I remember I used to think does she remember what its like to be young?

I was a bird in a cage. Isn't that what started this whole writing thing? a way to have a voice in a house where it wasn't allowed. now its the thing I do to feel alive, to find my voice, to at the end of the day, check in with myself and see how I am doing.

So many words, so many words inside me, twirling and twirling around. and in the page I am always honest, there is nothing to hide, nothing to conceive. I am honest with myself, that way I can be honest with others. not that anyone cares.

That is the coldness of the world, the people that don't care anymore. because they cared once cried they got hurt and the hurt was so deep they put up walls. but they don't realize that those walls keep people out, and love, and anger and resentment grows inside those walls. Samuel, I hope your walls keep coming down and you learn what I have learned that God will protect you. 

I was scared that he saw my vulnerability. The last person was Angel and he ran away couldn't handle and Alaka never did like when I cried. and when I told him about the hospital he said the most ignorant things not worth repeating. It's like no one understands. And when you try to explain they shut you down with their ignorance.