Silence, silence

 You told me to be in silence.

then I get home can't be around my son

I'm home but still cant be around him. No good morning no good nights either. Complete separation.

Its like the life I'm used to is still not here. Another week, without him, then I gotta leave again.

God, will it be okay? You say yes. Will he be allright? You say yes.

Trust you, trust you, with all I have. I keep getting scared that Samuel will step out and get scared but no, it is meant to be you said. Even Tia said she's not scared, she knows God does His prophecies. 

I'm here I'm resting the writing is not coming. Why was I so excited when that night he pushed me to write down the night routine? its like the used the words of the conference to push me. I'm not used to being pushed. its been a while, I haven't had a coach.

Porfirio used to get mad at my emotions and he never understood the word no. he wanted me to stop coming to class because of the briefing. I said my college education goes before the business, I drew the line he didn't understand. he risked his education. I was in NJ, I didn't have to go to the NY briefings anyway. He didn't get it, after my prayer my rules didn't change. I was always a great student. Missing half of my semester was an automatic fail. I wasn't going to allow a fail, not on my watch. he didn't understand, he couldn't understand. The answer was no, there were no other classes to fulfill my requirement. he didn’t care about my degree. He just wanted me to be there for him. He felt safe when I was around. he felt awkward around others I know. I was his protection. I laughed at all his jokes, around me he was a superstar. Any other attention was extra. 

But I had to be there for myself. why, oh Lord, could he really not understand? It was the worst mad he had ever been at me. I didn't understand why he didn't get it as he was in college himself.

People want what they want for you. They don't like when you don't fit inside the boxes of their expectations. Alaka says thanks for the update like he doesn't care. its not the first time I have felt this way. I treat him like a friend but most of the time he's more like a responsible business partner. but we are friends. were are the lines drawn? he's someone that is so distant. when i had my kid it was easier to see this.

I keep giving people too much credit, when they did something for me years ago and I keep them around but what have you done for me lately? like that guy I cut off. posting a picture on Instagram of me with my hair and the lighting and the eyes, who knew it would lead to me losing my friend? He showing how much he liked me and what was the point of that friendship anyway? you have a wife, kids, you have access to me for what, some unneeded temptation. I genuinely thought we were friends. I was someone you probably imaged you had a chance even though we both know you never did. we never been on a  date. I thought you were a great guy, you thought I wasn't 'there for you' and I explained to you that I was about to be homeless. does no one really knows what that means? 

in a crisis its not a good time to be needy. but once again, people want what they want from you.