Felt rejected

When he didn't take the honey

when I offered the pen

If I don't get used, I feel like I don't have any value

my value comes from serving others

big aha 

and then we fucked

and then the other one too

it was nice, to have dick again

after all these years

yeah, I said it

I took off the guilt like a cloak

and woke up and went got showered then the meeting

he made a promise and broke it in the morning

and I gave him credit the moment he said it

I gave him credit for what he said, he never had to actually do it

It was a cruel lesson in people will say anything to get what they want

Did he know the whole time? did he try? Did he see my brokenness?

was I easy to manipulate? he took on the mentor role. 

then he went all the way. he asked for consent. like a man, he told me what he wanted.

it was the absolutely most sexiest thing I have ever heard.

I had been waiting all my life to hear those words, for someone to tell me exactly what they wanted

And not apologize for it. not everything.

The other one, he is an interesting picture. we shared a lot, mostly me. it was unnatural. then the next day I broke down.

it was a different type of intimacy, the one where emotions and confessions were shared.

CJ was so kind and humble like a boy. he kissed under my thighs and my body feels good just remembering that kiss. it was the sweetest way I have ever been touched.

But he was so cold the next day, or I should say the moment after. It showed me some men are only soft in bed. then unattached and miss all my emotions. I was feeling so many things as he put me in a weird situation and he wasn't taking full responsibility for it.

It was the same old, I do more than enough and you do not enough. together, we make a whole. me 75 and you the rest, you get the point.

He wasn't enough. but my radar it popped up.  and the other one. i hit them both up. made sure that meeting happened. 

i cried the next day, full of shame and all the results of my thoughts and the things it triggered. it was just like being with Manuel. you are allowing broken people to have you. but for whatever reason, you are drawn to them and they are drawn to you.

we stayed close the whole conference. i spent a night away after being rejected. it hurt like hell. i cried on the pillow. then met Samuel. and he was different. I didn't know what that connection was going to be.

He was the best brother i ever had. self sacrificial. you never know who its going to be.