Response to Jaquan

 you must be doing something bad. there must be some sin

and last time "yeah you must have a curse, a spiritual thing"

God's word ringing in my ear There is no depth there.

He's not talking out of wisdom or out of anything he went to God about. 

He's just talking out of what he thinks, nothing is confirmed or anything.

You know what I need? people like Zari, know I'm struggling and send a dollar.

That's how me and Alex ate dinner yesterday. I will pay her back Thursday.

Jaquan, you ask questions after 10pm. A question that I think you asked to make conversation cause 

to be honest, if you were thinking, I done already told you this shit already. 

I'm being nice and kind and give it a response when I done explained this to you many times.

then I get all this critique, I shut down. let you know its bedtime i'm going to sleep. 

then you come back that its not a critique which I appreciate because I did not have the words

but when I saw it I said yeah, that's what I saw it as and it made me shut down.

a little knife to the chest right before you go to sleep, coming from the person you have spent the day helping.

DISAPPOINTING. E TU BRUTE?

then I thought of history. how fustrated he was the day I had him bring a box of food. a task I did every week. a guy making a girl do a thing like that. I remember how alone I was when I was there. 

I made myself responsible for the food. he complained, I thought you can cook what's going on? I said what's going on is there are no pots. How am I gonna cook with no pots? 

LIKE SIMPLE< COMMON SENSE STUFF> 

He wanted me to cook with one aluminium thing that is used for baking. Que idiota for real for real.

I am angry, i am mad. then he asked me if I read my bible. the answer is yes I read it and I read it yesterday. then he asked if I serve people. when literally spent the day serving him and going on what I said I would do, help him with the apartment search. 

a task, I should mention, he could handle himself. so the person i'm serving is asking if i've been serving. today i'm serving my sister, why? she asked, and I don't mind. the audacity.

there is logic here. If I was him, I would be getting 1800 a month from the govt. I get 345 a week. do the math bro. HE SAYS I'VE BEEN GOING THRU THIS TOO LONG.

Who is he to tell me how long I've been going through something? Offers no help, no resources, and complaints. DAMN, HE SOUNDS LIKE MY FAMILY. 

How did we get here, I wonder. How did we get so comfortable you think you can tell me this? Check me in a way. assume I did some sin to deserve this. I did do a sin, many years ago. I fell for a guy and had a baby. I've been paying ever since. Poverty was served to me in a platter. Not gonna lie, I was struggling before Alex came along too.

I would walk the streets and pray to God. I would pray to get a job, I would pray. 

Goodness, the darkness, the thoughts, the things not working out. the asking God why he sent me to a desert. the wondering why everyone's life seems so linear and mine is like a bunch of ups and down. the emotional instability years. God, where those hard.

I feel not supported, I feel critiqued. I feel like I'm gonna be silent. I have nothing to say. but I am mad, I am upset. He is accusing me of doing something. He says I have to look. 

I get my wins are not enough for you. I get you asked me a questions, I gave an answer and you were critizing my response. I thought I could talk, be vulnerable, I guess not. 

I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS SHIT TO YOU. I never have said your lows are too low, or checked you, or came at you. I don't like how dirty you are, and how much you smoke and you are not aware of that. I stay silent. If I you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it. 

Why you think you can check me and talk to me like this? Do you think, in some way, you are helping me, then in your rhetoric, you mentioned how you are 'preaching to me.' When did you think I needed preaching? and why do you ask a question, I answer it, and you think its your job to dilute my answer and critique the way I speak? 

I feel in no way supported and what you said does not help me AT ALL. I already read my bible and went to church and have crazy obstacles to do so. I get it, you met me I was in a bad spot. IT'S GIVING ME SAMUEL VIBES. If you want to leave, just do that. I guess I'll help you with your apartment thing and that's the last thing. 

When you were in rehab, when you were sleeping at Robert's, when you slept in your car and called me to complain, the amount of times you have asked me for money, me even when I was at the shelter, you would ask me for money. when I have told you over and over again I don't have it, yet you keep asking.

I NEVER MADE YOU FEEL SHIT ABOUT NONE OF IT. I guess I don't get the same grace. I know how to deal with your lows and I always added to your life. You can't deal with this one.

Is this how I feel? I feel disrespected. I feel frustrated. Sorry the show of my life has taken a turn. Sorry, its too much for you. It's not like you have sent me any money in the last year, done something to ease my burden. At the nick of night, after I have fed my child and served, and read my Bible, and did not do evil to people on this day, or whatever sin you want to conjure up, you accuse me of all this. 

You didn't like I said i'm going homeless waiting on unemployment. I GET IT DUDE, but that's whats happening. DID I MISPEAK? and if I gotta talk in code, then what the fuck is the point of being your friend??? 

WHAT IS THE POINT?

if I cant be vulnerable and express myself. then what the fuck is the point. 

I'm gonna treat you better song. ii didn't like the way you treated me. Idk why I liked you. another little kid, just like I liked Angel. I fall for incompetent men. its horrible. it was a mirror. Auris, all this time has changed but your picker has not. I attract young, with that comes YOUNG PROBLEMS. You are smarter than them, you focus so much on helping them get their shit together and whatever you are going through, you have to go through alone because they don't have the capacity to see it or see you clearly.

They don't have the wisdom to catch it. The hands to hold the pain you carry or your burdens. SAMUEL WAS THE SAME. I don't hate you, but access has been cut off. I understand I need to get better at detaching. I care so much for people and I have such a heart. but they just keep abusing and abusing, and I"M TIRED OF THAT SHIT.

Zari told me of her disappointment of the letting go of the car. It was a disappointing moment, I understand.But she didn't abandon me in it. She didn't left me to figure it out by myself (Like Samuel did) and like Jaquan is doing now. She sent me money twice this week. I was able to feed myself and Alex. I will pay her back on Thursday.  

That's what I need. People like that. Zari came and kept her word and took us to the beach. Only beach trip I've had this summer. It was fun. She also gave me contact so I could clean those houses. I did those 2 houses and God answered my prayer, giving me some increase. (the money left as soon as it came, idk what's going on with that) the 2 hour commute plus the spent all this time working no time to cook then have to eat out and the prices of eating out have gone up. God, thank you so much for placing her in my life.

Am I embarrassed that I'm not rich yet and that I still need her help? SURE DO. Do I pray and hope things get better? I sure do. Maybe Alex will get to the age where he can walk himself home. I did want him to grow up with cousins and stuff. But here we are in Bayonne, nobody trying to do none of that shit. 

I have to accept it. I don't like forcing. Spent too much time in that energy, being forced to do things. FUCK THAT.