David (in Spanish)

 First you were a promise, a mountain I see and I'm nowhere near it

But I knew if I kept walking eventually I would be at your steps

and our story would begin

God has been talking to me about you for a long time

Told me all things that would happen in your life, 

then I lived to see them happen.

Did I think I would be next to you when it happened? not sure.

Just believing the voice that I hear in the darkness

When my world got dark, when post pardum depression came at my door

after I gave birth, an act of disobedience because God told me I was to 

be with you and I couldn't wait and I went with Angel, he was physically there.

You were an idea, a promise.

Most of the time I did not feel worthy. Not worthy of something so you push it away.

I saw you and when you got married I cried fresh tears. I was in NJCU then.

God said you two would depart, go walking in different directions.

The latest is the dream. I saw a dream where you asked me out on a date. I went

with my son, your mom was there moving furniture around and then

you came and this girl came, wearing orange I think. orange dress. 

she and you both explained to me, in person, how you had been together

and eventually realized not a good match, did not want the same things.

something like that. this was years ago.

Then years later, you post her. I saw her first in my dream. so when you posted her in IG, 

I had already seen her. I called my cousin and told her as it was my original dream.

I have been silent for year.s I was excited because I heard about you so much, 11 years ago.

I heard, I rant to Angel, got pregnant. I have a baby boy. 

So many tears on this journey, so much doubt and believing. the years kept passing.

I thought I was crazy to still believe. But God reminded me that he is eternal.

And he does not see time the same way I see it.

I felt so rejected. like God am I not good enough? is this why you are keeping him from me?

Now I understand that I'm just a human. and its not my business to figure out how God thinks.

His ways are higher than my ways. Humility is the start of that.

They say knowledge starts when you fear God. I've gone through so much with God by my side. 

I've gotten mad. Why so much suffering? Why people keep doing me wrong?

Why I obey you and you lead me to a dessert, no money, no job. 

But God has always answered my prayers in those seasons. They were lack season but

abundant in things the world doesn't treasure. I got to raise my son.

That's all I ever wanted. 

Now I wanted money, so I can afford the area God told I am going to live. It s a prophecy so God doesn't need my help right? but the way my brain works, you tell it something then brain wants to get to get to work to get it.

Why tell me? and put me in situations where I can do nothing about it. and even when I do something.

like Odessysus, home seems farther and farther away. 

NOT BY POWER, NOT BY MIGHT. BUT BY HIS SPIRIT.

Yes, its there in the Bible. Yes its so clear. but its different when he writes his scriptures in your heart.

and you are forced to live it out.

THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH. I SHALL FEAR NO EVIL. YOUR STAFF AND YOUR ROD THEY COMFORT ME.

The truth is, I'm a broken girl. I get depressed sometimes. people abandoned me. one time I was locked up in the hospital. My father I haven't seen him in 20 years. I buried the pain and focused on my son, the time he was born I thought wow I will no longer be alone.

but depression has come twice for me. last time in 2022 I thought I wasn't gonna be able to rise above it. I saw knives and it was too much temptation. I asked Alaka for help. He gave the right answer, he said to go to his house.

I have scars, David. Scars and shame and I hate secrets but God is writing my story. God is making me fearless (I've had to face every single fear my brain has thought of). One person, a sacrifice. swimming against the grain and I want the world to see my art. All the things I've created in my brain and to have a creative outlet for it. That is my hope. 

I want to die empty, as a public speaker said in college. he was a college professor and an activist. one of the best speeches I ever heard. Myles Monroe said similar. Die empty, with all your ideas out. Your books, movies, schools to open, kids to inspire. Die empty. It the best thing to aspire to.