crying

 i feel so bad 


that i still struggle with money


i did a birthday for my son


now rent's due and i' short


i borrowed $80 from Lesly


Maybe i flew too close to the sun


maybe it got away from me


I don't think I spent much. and the money people gave, I used that for Catch Air.

Were my ideas too big? The apartment is so small. I filled it to capacity.


I was so grateful that I got to do everything. 


Why am  I suffering now?



WHAT HAPPENED TODAY:


first day of physical theraphy. It was painful/uncomfortable for me.


I think of serving Braylan and then I think of serving Neo. It helped me get through it. 

Then I thought, what about you? what do you need? why you always compulsively think

about serving others?


to me, there is no greater thing, I feel so purposeful when it happens.


Today I got reminded of my dreams. 


The play, met a girl that had a herbal healthy store. $8 for that shea butter, mango, perfect for my elbows. 



I FEEL SO WEAK AND VULNERABLE, LORD.


I'm usually working and hating it or not working and horribly broke.


Today I realized this focus on me thing and doing what I need, it works for me.


Then I thought only people that have that lifestyle that I see is Michael who lives in Mexico (online store) and Danielle Holmes (she's living her best life and has a class and she just lives live and bought a really nice, big house and uses the internet to turn a profit. She used credit card though, and I think of that. 


Paris from Philly, she used 50k zero percent for one year promo and got herself a business, Airbnb that its still profitable. She was kinda chubby in the picture to the left. She said, I lost weight, hussled, consistently.


I WAS IN THE JESUP, THE TOWN TASHA WAS FROM. I WAS WALKING.


I thought she sang, and she got out. The churches I served they knew I could sing but I never sang there. I was waiting for the people that had the stage to give me the chance. waiting. 


THEN I COULDN'T SPEAK UP FOR MYSELF. 


I wanted to style the female pastor. I ended up giving them clothes that I invested in, and had the idea and had it sown. They just took it, hardly saying thank you. They took it and it took me so much to get these items. They just took it, not offering anything. 


For my birthday, July 7 2019 i think it was. The service was about me. She just said thank you, and she just said all the things that I already did. But it felt good and i felt emotional. Guess i'm not used to being appreciated. 


I REALLY WANT TO WORK WITH NEO. IF IT'S NOT YOUR WILL RIGHT NOW, GOD PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS DESIRE. 

I'm here, single mother, struggling. need to pay the rent. EBT hasn't come in yet to buy food. 


I AM CRYING AND LIKE USUAL, ALONE. SON NEXT TO ME AND I'M TRYING TO HIDE MY TEARS FROM HIM. BUT HE'S ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION.


I'M IN THE ROOM PLAYING GOSPEL. YOU WERE WITH ME IN FLORIDA. YOU TAUGHT ME WHAT TO DO. 


IDK WHAT ELSE TO DO. I AM NOT LAZY. I GET UP, I DO MY ERRANDS. I'M TRYING TO PRIORITIZE MY HEALTH. TIRED OF PUTTING MYSELF IN THE BACK BURNER FOR A JOB. AND MY SON BEING NEGLECTED, NOT THE WAY I WANT. AND LIVING IN A PLACE THAT IS SO TINY AND NOT NICE AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO FIX IT UP.


I GO CRAZY TRYING TO FIX EVERYTHING. I HAVE HIGHER STANDARDS.












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