Crying Part II

 Next day: Joy comes in the morning.

Free breakfast sandwich due to being Walmart week (we can get a free sandwich every day, wow, God's grace always coming through when I really need it.


I READ LAST'S NIGHT ENTRY.


And I wanted to say:


what happened at physical therapy yesterday.


after thinking of Neo and Breylan. 


i got on a row boat and as I was moving and the hip was activated


all this came to me. Almost like the hip was screaming at me, the sounds of the feelings that I dont allow myself to feel.


it said:


I MISS MY FATHER, I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I WISH YOU WERE AROUND. 


IN COLLEGE, WHEN I DATED BOYS. I WISH YOU WERE AROUND TO TELL ME YOU ARE PROUD. I BECOME A PROFESSIONAL LIKE YOU SAID. YOU WERE NOT AT THAT GRADUATION. THEN I WENT TO COLLEGE. YOU MISSED THE GRADUATION AS WELL.


I get cold, I get numb (in my regular life). the life God wants me to deal in is heart first, feelings matter, all the THINGS THAT MY FAMILY HAS BEEN TRYING TO PRUNE AWAY FROM ME SINCE I WAS BORN.


Yes, I feel things strongly. No, its not bad to be sensitive or have a heart and feel. 


All the times I supported you, Suyapa. and I did not even get a mention.


Alba comes from DR and you guys go to spa. Even the sister Cesar has in DR. Then I thought about it, he did party with her when she came from DR. I was there, in Andrew Street. Years ago, I was in high school. They were getting ready to go out. I was there, not invited. Didnt' think nothing of it.


MAYBE I HAVE BEEN REJECTED FOR SO LONG THAT I DONT EVEN NOTICE IT ANYMORE. 


ITS MY NORMAL. 


TO BE SILENCED WHEN I SPEAK, TO NOT BE VISITED, TO NOT BE CALLED. 


THE FAMILY IS THE CACTUS. NOW THE FAMILY IS A ENTITY THAT CONSTANTLY DISAPPOINTS ME. 


JUST LEAVE, the cage says. they are not holding the keys anymore, you are. You can leave. I left, came back, THEY STILL TREATED ME LIKE SHIT. IYANLA SAYS you teach people how to treat you.

DON'T MANIPULATE ME. ITS NOT EASY NOW THAT I SEE THE RED FLAGS.


EVEN MOM GOT A MENTION. YEAH, THE GIRL THAT CALLED ME COMPLAIN ABOUT MY MOM FOR YEARS. SHE GOT A MENTION IN SEBASTIAN'S COLLEGE ANNOUNCEMENT.


ANYHOW, I thought. Auris, you have always been an all or nothing type of person. THEY SHOWED THEIR DISLOYALTY. So when she first reached out, I didn't answer her Whatsapp message about how's everything. I laughed when she sent it and didn't reply or gave a vague minimum answer. 


For years I was vulnerable with her, because she really acted like she cared. She sleeps with the snake, so therefore she becomes a snake. TRUTH. 


He said he was a good person and I though, sure you would believe that.


Bible says everyone takes care of their own kids. God wants us to care about others, that's a sign of true love. 

AND that truth that I cannot deny is what my body had a reaction towards, when he said I LOVE YOU. i felt in all of my body that he was lying. 


I was so confused. Not no more. He does not love me. the truth is sobering. he loves mom and his wife. I did not make the list. And its been enough time, I am okay with it now. 


So I wont give you no energy. You never deserved it. 


LET THEM. 


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