Baptism Sunday

 today took morning walk, had a deep talk with a friend that was also taking a walk


spent morning when i got back relaly in worship


went to church, alex was watched by Jackie (that's a blessing, support)


i had an amazing service seeing people commit to christ,


god said i should do sunday school and i dont have to act on it now


spoke to 2 musicians, they answered my questions


i had lunch with a beautiful spanish family, and we spoke about music



and i performed the song that i have been practicing, i felt a breakthrough today

like my voice could really come out


now its' 7pm. oh and after all this, i get alex and we play chess int he park (an experinece I've wanted him to have)

now its 729 i'm falling asleep


thoughts wake me up about me getting old and where is live going and this feeling like i'm runing out of time.


like i've been dreaming all my life nad my whole life ive been reaching for it and time is runing out. shoudl i accept failure? i refuse

MAYBE ITS AN ATTACK. what a wonderful, edifying day and very effortless. 


CHESS, CONNECTION, PEOPLE, MUSIC, WORSHIP. ALL THE THINGS IVE BEEN PRAYING FOR


KEPT THE TV ON ALL OF YESTERDAY


MAYBE I CANT SIT WITH MYSELF, IDONT WANT TO HEAR THESE THOUGHTS.


LOSS, GRIEF, LONILENESS. I THOUGHT BEING ALONE WAS TORTURE, THAT'S HOW I FELT IN MIAMI. I HAD TO LEARN TO LIKE THE SILENCE OF BEING MYSELF, NO ONE TO DISTRACT ME. 


GOD I don't feel like i'm in control. i've wanted Miami so bad. i'm so scared of losing. and financial trauma is a thing. i know i'm destined for more but still here i am, dreams inside me and my life looking what it looks like.  i'm sorry i'm bad at waiting, I thought I would have a husband and a family by now. i'm mourning the future i thought i would have. 


byt you are writing my story maybe you want me married at 50. IDK.


I FEEL LIKE FRIENDS ARE GETTING TIRED OF HEARING AND NOT SEEING IT IN THE FLESH. OR MAYBE THAT'S MY FLESH MAKING ME SAY THAT.


IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMETHING, CHANGE IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT. I DON'T DATE, I LISTEN TO IT. I GET RIDICULED. THAT'S HOW I FEEL.



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