Where I am in healing

 

7. Where you are in your healing

I think these are the central realizations you've been working toward:

1. You cannot maintain relationships by yourself.

2. You don't have to keep reaching for people who repeatedly leave you feeling rejected.

3. You can love your family without giving them unlimited access to you.

4. You can grieve the family you wanted without continuing to pursue the relationships you actually experienced.

5. You don't have to prove that you are doing well to the people who left you to rebuild.

6. You can create your own holiday traditions and family experiences.

7. You can stop expecting care from people who have repeatedly not demonstrated it.

And your analogy captures much of this:

Stop expecting water from a plastic plant.

And perhaps the most important distinction is this:

You are not choosing to stop wanting family. You are choosing to stop abandoning yourself in pursuit of family.

But listen to what you just listed.

• Your neighbor helped you get a one-burner electric appliance so you can start cooking again.

• You have food from pantries and food boxes, and you're figuring out how to turn unfamiliar ingredients into meals.

• You're going to therapy.

• You're attending anger management classes.

• You're considering applying to the tech program.

• Your son has started physical therapy.

• You're tending to your home and your son's needs.

These aren't insignificant things. They're pieces of an actual life.

And something stands out to me: your attention is beginning to return to the life in front of you instead of remaining fixed on the family that isn't showing up.

You are not just trying to get over your family. You're building a life that gives you somewhere else to put your love, attention, energy, and hopes.

and today a new friend gave me a whole buch of clothes (such a big need, chat). and another friend gave me money so I can finally tackle laundry, chat. so life is supporting me, chat. the things I wanted my family to provide, God is sending other people to do it. and I feel wow like amazed. today was such a day of blessings.

Ohhhhh. ❤️ Chat is so happy to hear this.

And I want you to take a moment to really absorb what happened today.

You received clothes when you desperately needed them. Someone gave you money so you could finally tackle the laundry that has been weighing on you. You have a Thanksgiving invitation. Your neighbor helped you get an appliance so you could cook again.

Look at the different ways support is showing up.

And I especially love what you said: life is supporting me.

I think there's something profound happening here. For so long, you were looking toward your family for the practical and emotional support that you believed family was supposed to provide. You were waiting for someone to think of you, notice a need, and offer something.

And now you're experiencing people doing exactly that.

Not because you washed their dishes. Not because you made yourself useful. Not because you had something to give them in return.

Someone saw a need and helped.

And through your faith, you're recognizing these experiences as God's provision. I can understand why that feels so moving.

I also want you to notice something: you haven't stopped needing support. You haven't magically become financially independent or solved every practical problem. But you're no longer entirely alone in carrying those problems.

That's a meaningful change.

And maybe today you can let yourself enjoy the blessings without immediately worrying about what comes next.

You have clothes. You can do laundry. You have a way to cook. You have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving.

You are being cared for. And you are allowed to receive that care. ❤️

One thing I want you to take away from today:

You are not forgotten. Your needs are not invisible. Your life is not empty of people who care.

Maybe today was a reminder that while you've been grieving what you lost, life has also been quietly bringing new things into your hands.

But your family is not the only place from which love and provision can come.

am I ready to get married yet? what else do I have to go through?

Oh, that's a big question. ❤️ And after everything we've discussed about your family, relationships, receiving, and rebuilding your life, I think it's worth answering thoughtfully.

My answer is: I think you may be closer to being emotionally ready for a healthy relationship than you realize. But I wouldn't confuse being ready for love with being ready to rush into marriage.

Here's what I'm noticing.

1. You're beginning to understand reciprocity

For a long time, you seemed to associate love with showing up, helping, accommodating, and making yourself useful.

Now you're recognizing that you want someone who:

• Calls because he wants to talk to you.

• Makes plans with you.

• Considers your circumstances.

• Wants to spend time with you when you have nothing to offer him.

• Takes responsibility for maintaining the relationship, too.

That's important relationship growth.

2. You're learning to receive

Look at today.

Your neighbor helped with cooking. A friend gave you clothes. Another friend helped with laundry. Someone invited you for Thanksgiving.

You're experiencing people contributing to your life without you having to earn every bit of support.

I think this is particularly important for future partnership. Marriage involves receiving as well as giving. You deserve to experience both.

3. You're learning not to pursue rejection

You're beginning to recognize that loving someone doesn't mean repeatedly pursuing them when they aren't reciprocating.

That lesson matters in dating.

You don't have to convince someone to choose you. You don't have to interpret crumbs as commitment. You don't have to make yourself indispensable to maintain someone's interest.

4. You're still rebuilding your foundation

This is where I'd encourage patience.

You have therapy, anger management, your son's appointments, cooking, laundry, finances, and your career direction. You're also learning how to live without the emotional involvement of your family.

You deserve time to establish more stability.

Not because you must have a perfect life before dating, but because you previously expressed concerns about entering a relationship while financially vulnerable and raising your son without much backup.

Those concerns deserve consideration.

5. You need to experience being loved without losing yourself

I think this is one of the biggest areas of growth ahead.

Can you be attracted to someone without immediately making him more important than your own needs?

Can you enjoy being pursued without feeling indebted?

Can you let a man demonstrate his character over time?

Can you say no without worrying that he'll leave?

Can you have a relationship in which your son, your health, your goals, and your independence remain important?

You don't need to master all of these before meeting someone. But they're worth continuing to explore.

So, what else do you have to go through?

Honestly? I don't think you need another painful relationship to teach you something.

You don't need another heartbreak to prove you've healed.

You don't need to experience more abandonment to become worthy of a good marriage.

You don't need to become completely financially secure, perfectly healed, or free of every family wound.

I would love for your next season to include some experiences that aren't about surviving, recovering, or learning difficult lessons.

Experiences like:

• Enjoying your femininity.

• Singing and having fun.

• Going on dates when you genuinely want to.

• Being admired without feeling obligated.

• Having someone take you out and make plans.

• Discovering what companionship feels like when it's mutual.

Something I want to ask you

You once told me that you were taking a break from your lover girl energy because you were tired of imagining marriage and waiting for that romantic future.

I'm curious whether something has shifted.

When you ask whether you're ready to get married, are you feeling a renewed desire to share your life with someone, or are you wondering whether you've finally healed enough that a healthy marriage could actually happen for you?

Those are two different questions, and I think both deserve space. ❤️

You are not in a waiting room until your real life begins. This is your life. And there are already beautiful things happening in it.