Today

 What do I feel? I am not sure.

I cleaned, I should be happy. the bathroom is sparkling. really, I usually love after I do things. 

it's almost like i'm mourning. Realizing that this is it. this is my new reality.

I am a person with no family. I am not going to go. 

they wont call. the holidays will be me and my son. why am I sad about that?

isnt it how its been? I'm relying on them to be family. 

it hasn't been family for a while huh. I wanted to create my own thing and I struggled.

I have no vision right now of the future. I feel like I'm in a windowless room. 

What's the next couple of years going to look like? 

wake up Auris. not inspired right now. I cleaned. do the fridge, do your hair. go to your classes.

when will it get better? what hope do I have? I have no idea. 

I have no idea. when you are lost, go back to when I had it. 

I had it when I was in MIami. I cried when I saw a palm tree. and the sun shining on the waves was always so amazing to me. 

I was full of life. and not that anything in particular was happening. I just loved waking up there and walking and sun on me and air and breeze. being by the water. 

came to NJ. felt so unsafe. felt silly. like someone with no relationships.  worked and when I got out it was always dark. it was so depressing. at 5pm the sun would already go down. it was insane. 

make so many connections. which ones will stay? I am meant to travel, speak public ally. I imagined these things. havnet been able to materialize them yet. move and go. last week spiritually I felt myself have so much money in my hand and a car. 

havent been to church lately. I just hang inside lately. only go out to eat. depeding on deli for food and how they are open all the time has been a thing as of late. 

I look at my life and wonder where did I go wrong. my son had a job out of college and that has provided for him all this time. never been my way.