Hi its me

 its September 27, 2024

I'm still alive.

son is 10.

no car, no house, no hubby

I have breath in my lungs

and the memories and feelings of Miami Beach are slowly fading away

yesterday I saw a picture of Edwards in 9th and ocean drive and I felt nothing

no memory came back to me, no feeling of sun and sunshine on my body

maybe its been too long for me to feel it

I woke up from a dream where I was fighting with my mother

in front of others, in a car. I was in the back. my mom was in the back.

in real life she's never in the back.

if the front represents power, she has it all.

she holds the perception and the impossible requests

she, I am tired of speaking of she

I went to my sisters it s happy family. its a family unit.

I don't feel part of it. I'm not part of the happiness.

I feel like extra, like trash that needs to be taken out.

this is how I feel. where do I feel alive? nowhere in my life right now.

florida was cool but I was un housed so there was that.

I saw apartments and I thought how silly I've been.

thinking I could have what I want, but as I write these words I still do.

but if you want to do Miami, do it right I thought.

do the nice finishes. I saw an account, said I could get my remote job in 30 days.

I'm like wow I've been trying all year. or did I give up too soon?

between school and work, survival became the goal making it to school and making it to work is the goal of everyday. 

kind of the bare minimum. I don't do makeup. or wake up early and workout. or have a gym downstairs like some people.

venus I didnt give energy to and its faded away.  I have stuff to deal with. I'll tell her when its all done but I can't listen to all of that when I'm the one going through it.