What is

 what is the most loving thing you can think of?

someone to come along and set everything up

and say to me 'all you have to do is write'

wow, I said wow. Let's stay there, forget any other thoughts

All you have to do is write

how loving, how caring, 

all you have to do is use your gift and bless the world

we can worry about the marketing later

that will mean someone else will clean

and make breakfast and take care of my son

and I'll be there with the grass and the nice view

and a little wooden house

with that window, you know that window

that allows the sun's ray's to come in 

and give you the sense of looking out in nature

without dealing with the mosquitos

and I'll hear those wonderful words, the most beautiful words

I have ever heard,

"all you have to do is write"

writing is my release

its my output of all the things that I take in

everyday I take in your lack of beauty, world

and your lack of compassion

and I feel it how I felt it

and I compare my idea of the way things should be

and to how they are

and then I marvel at the difference

I get depressed over the gap

as if my thoughts were so great

to be honest, yes they are

I am not the same person since Miami

I have seen life a different way

different possibilities 

now everything is different

because my world has stayed the same

but I am different 

all you have to do is write

Isn't that what started this whole thing?

I contacted George Pitts he said get a work from home,

phone job

I applied to the jobs 

I got the course, or he gifted it to me

I wanted so desperately to get out of my season, like Joseph

in jail for a crime he didn't do

the irony, the unfairness of it

but sometimes God wants us to sit

and learn to be still and lean on him

and oh, God you know how hard that is?

I'm sure you do, that's why you force us to do it

Nelson Mandela said he had to learn to not be bitter

he had to learn to love his enemies

that when he got in jail he had hate in his heart

when he got out, he learned to have love for those that

think and act differently as him

Pastor Paul he was used to being surrounded by yes men

I, a bold and adventurous woman, was a contradiction to all he was used to

he liked the way I was, he respected it

but he had believed what he had believed for so long

that he kept trying to push his agenda on me

it made me mad to be tried to made to fit into a box

that I did not design

I am an artist

a rule breaker, a rule maker

don't you get it yet?

all you have to do is write

and then I went on Instagram LIVE with a mental health doctor

he gave me a deadline

I got Lee and we started becoming writing partners

and then we stopped

I got the good old, writer's block

or is it that I don't make time to write?

spend so much of my time stressing about finances

and how to change it

how to go from poor to 'I got it'

how to go from not enough to overflowing

It's all a mentality, Grant Cardone makes money matters sound so easy

I met his real estate guy

he shut down when I told him that everyday I wake up and

I take care of my son and I think of the type of man he would become

he talked excitedly about the real estate deals and how

every morning he wakes up looking for more, he's a numbers guy

I know, I could tell by the videos

I finally got the Grant Cardone pic

the point is, the guy shut down. why hard to understand?

I live a different life than yours. did he judge it? did he not think he didn't always

wake up an adult and someone had to take care of him 

in order for him to get to this point in life? or is he a recluse?

maybe I'm judging his silence but he just couldn't say anything after that

don't assume, don't assume

back to the doctor from IG he gave me a deadline, send me the play by February.

I never sent that email. I was ashamed but I knew by the end of February

it wasn't finished, I had at most, one scene

one time Lee wrote me said, what else is needed?

what can I do? I said this is enough, me having someone to share the

writings with, its all a story that needs to be told

and having a sound board makes sense of it

Ms. Gray said I'm good at painting the picture

I was shocked that all I wanted to accomplish got 

accomplished in the speech

Flowing on grace

doing things God said I should do, and say

and I had this vision of me on stage

inspiring thousands and millions of women

the numbers get fuzzy

big arenas

didn't I have it in my vision board?'

so crazy that Hawaii got the snorkeling that is on my vision board

so is working out

my brain feels fried doesn't want any more things to do

for real

but write, but to write

maybe a journal, 

something to write with

when we went to bikini hostel everything

was exciting

the beach was a short walk away

and we were both determined like on a mission

in Cali things felt different

like dreams but things stopped flowing

shortly after coming back from the run and the working out 

and the meditation

then its like oo let's rest

for me, dishes and make breakfast

or he made breakfast but he got angry by the second day

he only did the breakfast for me once

or twice? He was like you are going to do this from now on

I asked about when the guys came here

he said they ate out

I wanted him to admit he treated them 

different because they are men

but he's not the type to say sorry

or admit defeat

He likes to be greater

hasn't learned to lose yet

Me, I have a phd in failure

All I have to do is write

that is my new love language

if someone does that for me, 

oh wow I cannot even imagine it

so what I do, go to my son's office

mine, we got rid of 

the desk the leg was falling apart

it was time

got rid of the desk so we turned this room into his office

and other side his bedroom, that was due to Jane coming

I bought him the bed

but I gotta pay it all back on the credit card

It's good that they want to give me more time

I paid 3k when I got the stimulus check

Tia Margot called and I didn't pick up

I keep telling her to call my phone

the wassap is silenced

Wow a month later I still gotta bring myself to call back

All I gotta do is write, all I gotta do is write

get back to writing

but outside is coming this monster, this beast that wants to get out

it wants to speak

I gotta give that voice to that little girl

that keeps showing up in my life