Deeper issue

with men says runway

he would have picked girl over his friend too

there is a deeper issue

with men and trust

and 

I realize I don't want to be that friend

that doest get picked to be there for you

after I left the bed of my son

you made it sound like an emergency I show up

you are fine

she had never called me with that kind of request

is it because I had a car?

now you think I am available now

to be your errand girl?

I thought I was responsible for you

and you got Trent to be responsible for you

its good, now he's your errand boy

and you couldn't even give us a ride

that time we were all waiting and it was cold

the world is cruel

runway said he would have done the same

girl over friend

boy over me

a lifetime of being second to the men

the dick as I call it

my brother he was the favorite

the white men in the jobs

it's built up, this resentment

the way they get to be players

and women have to be women of the house

I never liked playing house

I liked being outside

Isn't why I am out here in Georgia now?

but why not happy anymore?

because the game got old

I need a new challenge

something to do, like get rich

learn trading

create a business

something to occupy my time with

I am waking up and have nothing to do

at least let's explore and travel

all this time I thought she was the problem

my fear of confrontation made a hedge

I had a bag of rocks that were all the unadressed issues

hey friend I didn't like that you picked him over me

I also don't like confrontation so we never discussed it

he advised to tell her I know what you did and I forgive you

say it outloud

I really don't want to

I dont think she deserves it

I also don't like the bad energy

God said make her the gift

but like Auris, I went and did the gift box

it was so nice

she denied it everyday

I knocked

she didn't even open it

it was a nice gesture

made me feel like shit for doing it

Runway said don't feel bad

go ahead

it's America people wanted to talk about money

I was surprised he was spending so much time on me

to be honest

I tried to get away but he kept talking

did I feel undeserving?

no I was thinking about Sam

and how he said I can talk too much

but that's his own thing

he told me when to stop

every conversation had an appropriate time in his head

he was the director

I was one of the actors and my scene was done

no improvisation was allowed

the bully comment in IG made me think of him

bully

I forgot what she said but it was like

they use their strength to shut you down

to delete your voice

I became or tried everything he wanted

and he attacked me for it

the thing said he is ruthless

I call it unstable

good and magical and then next day wants you to leave

that's why a bachelor life is good I guess

they leave you don't have to deal with the consequences

but its a setup isn't it? set up a good expectation

but you don't have the bandwidth to maintain it

Tess and that whole thing

everything is a mess and we are waking up 

and Miami is in all of our minds but

we don't quite know how to get it huh

God said wait for that thing and He

instructed me on what to do

the past is a wedge

I keep healing from

like a wound that keeps reopening when something seems familiar

in Miami I learned that I am the same

I keep attracting the same unavailable men

Andre was emotional, so was Sergio

but Sergio was not strong enough, Andre he was smart and intellectual

and I was shocked at times that he was with me

hard to see my value

maid I called it, the role I was forced to play my whole life

and worker bee

not allowed to rest

only men could do that

so all of this resentment comes from mother

God how I have been raised to hate men

because they got all the advantages

all I got was the bad end

deeper issue,

deeper issue

it was not that big of a deal

it was a big deal to me

I was like, should I do this? drive out to her in the middle of the night

and then I get there and she was so inconsiderate

runway said he would have made the same choice

I don't want to not be picked

if I'm an option, I always want to be picked

why do I not understand the ways of the world?

I want to be around people that treasure me

even Sam he treated me like crap

and I haven't told him

or have I? does he get it?

Idk if he does. If I don't address it.

But I tried to tell him

he wasn't responsive

he doesn't apologize

he's not humble enough yet

When he thinks something is right, then its right

its funny he wants to order around

but doesn't like following orders

today I was like, am I doing that thing?

trying to fix him?

who am I to fix?

I'm supposed to be accepting

but is it not okay to put foot down? 

I am idealistic and I fight for my values

the Zodiac sign thing said

I should message Runway

trust issues with men

and not wanting to be with men

afraid of men and the vulnerability

hate being alone but know no other way to life

there must be therapy for this shit

Arod said he went

could I afford it? I just blew past 8k

Sam feels bad for the people that he did the ppp for

what for

we are all in it now

I the thick of it, this mud

the rooster are going to come and do their thing in the morning

death falls on us all

deeper issue, its a stain that I can't get out of the bed sheet

My house is dirty I always refuse to clean it lately

I am fatigue and feeling so out of it

but then I wake up and I hate my reality

hate how things look

I asked request to join and was surprised when he picked me

not everyone is bold enough to be putting themselves out there

God, why did he spend so much time on me?

he used his wisdom and gave me one of my love languages,

time

you can never replace time

James used to be around but he would be on his phone

I need focused time, all on me 

precede

how come I've never had that?

cesar wasn't one for hugs

and Lesly hugged but I always felt like it was fake

like I'll hug you and treat you mean afterwards

I guess the love I wanted was in the movies

romantic

and idealistic

and walking in the rain together in Paris

someone giving you an umbrella because its raining

I did that for that girl in church

never saw that umbrella again

mom said to never let someone borrow an umbrella

people never give it back

it had a lifetime guarantee in it

it was going to be my lifetime umbrella

she never gave it back

so it became my I used it once or twice umbrella

I was so sad, really

deeper issue

Auris sucks

I always blame my self

my broken calculator, as Will Smith will say

men aint shit

I don't believe that

but I've also entertained people

because it was better than being alone

like Marvin those times he took me out

the option was starting at the wall in my place, literally

it was an escape

and wasn't that all that Andre was?

an escape from my place

and homeboy used to say that I complained

because I wasn't allowed to talk about my life

he said no one cared

then why are you my friend

if I can't be myself around you?

to me things happen big like fireworks

to you, life is a constant bother like a water that is dripping from 

the bathroom sink

I also lost 

but anyone meaningful

sure when I was broken up with Ryan it felt

like someone ripped apart my heart

and I had to sit in my room on Friday nights 

instead of going out and trying to hide my pain

with fake smiles and nice outfits

and new men that wanted to take me out on dates

I went out there and like always, I surprise

and I delight I'm quite a guest

then the next day

its back again to my lonely life

I walk these streets alone

the only streets that I have ever known

now I'm 35 if I don't walk the street alone

idk who would it be with?

will it be okay? will I be safe?

can I give someone my heart?

I deeply want to, be loved deeply and love deeply back

but there is all this resistance

and all this pain

and I can see myself

wearing an old school European dress

asking everyone else what happened?

why did it fail? why is it my fault? 

I tried to create a cohesive environment

now all I do be with my drink of choice,

shows that are funny

and songs that I mimic a stage out of my living room

something wants to get out

and everyday is like the one before it

I have lost my motivation for cleaning

now I'll take it if my foot heals

Surviving vegan said I have mineral deficienies

based on the symptoms of my period

and I can't do it it anymore

its 1k, galore, galore

God has given me all these vision

they seem like a dream world from where I'm stading

but dreaming is what keeps me alive

it keeps me going

today I was about to faint in the hot sun

and I had to walk back home

and I dreamed

I thought of my future

and how great it would be

its like my other drug of choice

tell myself a nice tale

it makes the present bearable