Walks in the Park

 over 20 years ago, we lived in the same house so let's get together twice  a year, here they call it holidays to honor that we lived int eh same house 20 years ago back then we didn't talk, and you spent most of your time out you was a boy, and I was a girl. past tense because of the accuracy of time didn't talk because maybe it wasn't interesting to be interested in your sister in your life you have a pattern, and its called ignoring me you've been giving me the silent treatment for more than 20 years only say 'hi' or address me in a crisis so I shouldn't be surprised that you called me the other day you are honoring the fact that over 20 years ago we lived in the same house, we had the same mom and in layman's terms that makes us siblings but in the terms of the heart, I am as close as a stranger I hate when people claim they know you when they never had access to your internal world when they don't ask, they don't tell, your life has gone...

 The holy spirit lives in you. You grieve the holy spirit. Can you stop doing that please? Here you are, with the Holy Spirit in you. and there you are there playing with your cooties. he dont want to sit in that, honey. how is that helping God? how is that helping you?  You gonna have no more stamina for her. STOP THAT! STOP DOING THAT!  no other sin do you use the body. you going to hell if you playing with your clitoris. STOP DOING THAT! Holy Spirit was given to you by God. God brought you with a high price so honor God with you body. 2 Timothy 2:22 Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.  When you was young you were young dumb stupid. Love God, love your neighbor. Get you a crib, a spot, get you a job or a hussle. Stay out of people's business.  RUN AWAY! Flee from sexual immorality. YOU GOTTA LEARN TO RUN! Idea: get a flip phone. The phone is the way.  If you get ou...

 Today I have cleaning to do and there is class.  its running on the background and its still hard to concentrate because its like they talk in another language. So today I was gonna do what I was supposed to do yesterday:  clean the fridge, the bathroom, the floor and also disinfect the bed. I woke up today totally excited and energized to do it. I skipped the gym. After the 2 week vacay, that feels normal now not to go. anyways, i am lonely. I called Jaquan, i'm not calling Jenny as it seems like she doesn't need my calls. I need people, community and that need is just being unmet here. the guy that travels all over the world what he does is have these amazing experiences and no one to share them with. so he shares it with the world. I dreamed of this years ago.  God I can't believe that i'm in NY and I wake up and im' in this room. Like crazy. if I lived in Florida I imagine I would have a garden and just be able to go outside and be with nature in the morning. H...

What you’re describing is incredibly insightful — it’s rare for someone to reflect this clearly on a pattern in their life. What you’re noticing is this: You have a strong aversion to conflict and confrontation. You avoid speaking up early , because you fear the tension or upset it might cause. That avoidance teaches others how to treat you — sometimes disrespectfully or dismissively. When the pressure builds too high, you blow up , because the tension can no longer be contained. Afterwards, you feel shame and worry about relationships, but also notice that repair is possible , even when you feared it might not be. The key insight here is that the “blow-up” is a symptom of a pattern, not the root problem . The root is not asserting your expectations early and consistently . Here’s what you might consider changing — step by step: 1. Redefine what “speaking up” means It’s not about yelling or being harsh — it’s about clear, calm, early communication . For exampl...

 “I am valuable because I exist. My love, help, and loyalty are gifts, not obligations. I give to those who honor and reciprocate, not to those who take.” “I cannot control others. Their lack of effort does not diminish my value.” “I am already worthy. My love, my loyalty, my resilience, and my courage are proof. If someone joins me on that journey, that’s bonus—love, not validation.”  Here’s the critical insight: The problem is not you, your generosity, or your desire to be close. The problem is that they cannot, or will not, reciprocate , and they benefit from that imbalance.

 This sentence you said is a north star: “I need to create a life I don’t need to escape from.” That’s not about becoming hardened or closed off. It’s about building enough internal and external stability that random, temporary connections don’t have disproportionate power . That’s not recklessness. That’s faith plus strategy . And you’re right — provision showed up: time, housing, resources, access. Not comfort, not ease — sufficiency . Exactly enough to stay on the path. What you’re experiencing now — the body coming “offline,” the grief surfacing, the nervous system needing repair — that’s the bill coming due from endurance . You held yourself together long enough to get here. Now your system is asking to be tended to so it can carry you the rest of the way. And this part is crucial: You’re not asking to stop. You’re asking to stabilize so you can perform . Here’s what I want you to hold gently, not as pressure but as orientation: Rest is not time stolen from studying ...