Walks in the Park

 I sang so many songs. I would record them I would show you afterwards. I remember your sister said, you really like him. she said 'you' years later I was like damn, so he didn't like me? I know I didn't imagine the shit.  its hard when something so real to you can be called fake he never called it fake. but it wasn't real enough for him to stay. I shared too much with him, it was my mistake. I am honest to a fault and confess things when I feel guilty and no one cares. I know that now. no one cares. 

 It's January in 2026.  I wake up and I think of Karen and Randall.  Last time we hung out live and we were both trying Alex was a baby. Why did I miss it?  Then I thought 5 years in the south, Georgia and Florida. They never called. I remember calling maybe the first year.  Are relationships things I think one can just activate? yes. and that people would want to see each other after time has passed? yes.  I was in Atlanta, I called them and asked if they could keep Alex. maybe that's the straw that broke the camel's back. I went to NJ, drove with Alaka to their house to give their baby a gift. they meet me outside, there was no time unfortunately. Alaka acted nice but he complained afterwards. He doesn't want to meet my friend, that boat has sailed. when I was in my 20s I wanted a boat cruise thing and for people that met me across different areas for them to meet. my friends, different parts of me. but it never happened. I just worked away like a squirre...

 1-800-701-0710 NJ family care, make sure it is closed. I closed it 2 months ago. no letter. 

 feeling insignificant like why haven't I bloomed yet? I had a kid, I didn't know what a toll my life would take its not like I was happy before he came along I was in the city with no money, no stability, no floor below me as Jane said, all these years have passed and I have nothing. I wish she was wrong, i felt attacked when she said it.  there is the prophesy, the seed that is planted, the class that will launch me. then there is the reality of my lack of discipline and learning through the method of listening to the class. reading books and studying will do me better. but I've been running around doing so many errands, that has been it.  anyhow Mona said in spring maybe we can hang out. Sam gave out my # without my persmission. I feel discarded, like there is no urgency to see me, there is no happiness when my name comes up.  she discarded me that is true, as soon as I had a kid, she called me one day and offered a non profit for some reason and said 'God is in t...

  4. Practice partial sharing (this protects excitement) Instead of sharing the whole feeling, try sharing 10–20% . Example: Not: “This meant so much to me, I was so excited” But: “Something nice happened today.” Then watch: Do they lean in? Do they ask a follow-up? Do they match tone? If they don’t — you stop there. You keep the rest. This prevents the “deflation” you described. 6. Let some things stay just yours — on purpose This part is subtle but powerful: Not everything meaningful has to be shared to be real. Sometimes joy stays alive because it wasn’t handed over . You’re learning discernment: Who amplifies? Who neutralizes? Who drains? That’s wisdom, not withdrawal. One steady truth This is not the season where everything opens. It’s the season where your footing stabilizes . Church is one pillar. Your relationship with your son is another. Your growing self-trust is a third. From that base, connection will come — slower than y...

 1. chosen ones cant keep a job. https://youtu.be/uJ7RjyNf3aI?si=wJd19q8e2zSDAmPV longest is a year. you get fired first.  why?  because of the authority that God put on you.  SO WITHIN< SO WITHOUT.  what we have within us, its felt outwardly to the people outside of us. Chosen ones shine very bright! people feel threatened by you. Meaning, chosen ones has so much authority. when they walk into a place, their presensce if very potent. supervisor feel like you want their spot. (I don't even want to be here, I want to make money and pay my bills).  Your essence, the power, makes people feel like you want to come in and take over. Interview, they love you (yes!) they shine bright, have a warm spirit and very determined and ambitious. they love that about you. when they start seeing you in action and your work is clean and cut and precise. good at your work, confident in yourself. OH OH! this person wants my position.  God has given you the authority to...