Walks in the Park

 its September 27, 2024 I'm still alive. son is 10. no car, no house, no hubby I have breath in my lungs and the memories and feelings of Miami Beach are slowly fading away yesterday I saw a picture of Edwards in 9th and ocean drive and I felt nothing no memory came back to me, no feeling of sun and sunshine on my body maybe its been too long for me to feel it I woke up from a dream where I was fighting with my mother in front of others, in a car. I was in the back. my mom was in the back. in real life she's never in the back. if the front represents power, she has it all. she holds the perception and the impossible requests she, I am tired of speaking of she I went to my sisters it s happy family. its a family unit. I don't feel part of it. I'm not part of the happiness. I feel like extra, like trash that needs to be taken out. this is how I feel. where do I feel alive? nowhere in my life right now. florida was cool but I was un housed so there was that. I saw apartmen

 I go into instagram and it be suggesting all these careers and way to make money my desire is of course to have my own business have no skills? do I already have them? am I not who I'm supposed to be? how do I get to greatness I thought the word you told me would happen it kept me going 10 years ago now its 10 years later I've given my kid all I have I feel deflated need joy happiness, air inside my balloon I start yelling when I'm tired and he grunts at my talking most of our fights happen when we are late I see no one can bring me peace I knew that already if I can hack the brain and be successful I get overwhelmed so feel like hiding under a blanket show up to school and show up to work is like the minimum and that minimum is so hard we put our soul in the table for that I was so exhausted.

 walk in big mad not talkative big upset enrages me to see them in their happy little family while my world is falling apart when they need something  I'm expected to drop everything to help them when my household needs something feels like an option, an annoying request I needed a thermostat  got told to go to the hospital I needed laundry to get done for 2 weeks now, asked for help it didn't happen now I'm here washing uniforms in her house let's see if it happens if not I'll go to work with black and hope they don't fire me simple things laundry where to live getting to school on time nothing is right right now and now Venus wants to do a spontaneous bible study no thank you didn't know her back in my life would bring chaos not that she isn't but can't deal with people like that right now wanting to force a result I got the message thank you don't need a thorn in my side she'll probably get offended if she read this giving me solutions tha

 i rather have a world loud bustling when i step outside i rather have my curiosity fed i do not level up inside i like my house to be my enclave my escape from the world a place i go to heal and rest and have plants and then go outside and learn things in school and do different things yah heard?

 is like me not having access to comfort like not having a blanket but she needs to comfort herself and focus on her and her baby that needs her i remember the call she was looking for a private space to even speak its hard for me to accept that she's better off without me there's been so much space and now there is so much space that we are not there for each other on anything life has moved on i leaned on God in Miami like never before yes talked to Jenny, she was a big help i all of a sudden had time nevagating that was difficult Zari helped me a lot somedays gave me the daily ticket fee right now, Melody is a burst of light. either way i have had to learn to live without her i cant call her when my emotions are too much she was always kind and nice  i called her when the thing with yomeiry was happening the last voice note we did she said how i said too much to her that she wished i didnt say it i was going through a lot but it made me feel like i need to be there for mysef

 like something I'm forced to do like spend time in a cemetery Brunswick was depressing to living with girls and hardly anymore who knew leaving bank would be so depressing met angel, fell too fast got a baby came back to bank life and mother and toxic and feeling powerless and no money how do people live, how do they overcome running away from all this and get a bit of peace and come back and have more thought Shar was sad but she was actually  traveling every weekend NY is different but she is so much fun i head about the flight attendant that bought 2 homes now what hope is there in this country but to leave? want to do my year in Florida, my dreams scream every night at me Sasholina and me are holding on to each other like two girls trying not to fall into the sea in the same ship wreck we believe different things and i cant listen to the voice notes i just cant Alaka I spoke to, he wants me to join the solar company and makes sales and also the wall st trapper thing I no longe