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today thoughts

 Saturday Block Party  And then you were completely comfortable stepping away and letting their connection belong to them. You came back later, and there they were, still getting along. That's very "connector." And I think there's something beautiful about the fact that this is showing up now , alongside all this reflection about time, motherhood, friendship, and the life you've lived. Because maybe you're remembering that there are parts of you that have existed for a very long time that got buried under responsibility . The woman who notices people. The woman who approaches strangers. The woman who brings people together. The woman who has instincts about who will click. The woman who can walk into a room and participate rather than wait to be invited. And Saturday, you got to be her. Not just Mom . Not just the woman who has to figure out money . Not just the woman who has to survive the next problem. You. The connector. The woman who likes mu...
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New York

 did an errand, at night, last minute. I moved. God reminded of what he told me before, that's how riches are. the person that is willing to go that far.  I jumped, I went. It was uncomfortable, it was long. She blessed me with the shoes.  I cried. I couldn't believe it.  I think so much of Porfirio and Alaka when I'm here. Today, I was thinking of Porfirio maybe because I was in the Bronx. I wonder in an alternate universe if they go to NJ and think of me. But probably not.  Those places remind me of them because they were my connection to those spots. Just like Sam was my connection to Cali. 
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today

Amazing Saturday. getting comfortable in an uncomfortable place, for sure.  When Steph leaves, who knows. okay I see. i'll leave too. I get it.  She was saying you waiting on me, I can step.  I can stop being in fear and I can start making moves. She said, you are getting out of that girl. (when I said idk what I'm going thru right now). and its true! i'm coming out of it! That spoke so much to me.  The family thing is such a burden for me. such a heaviness thing. Chris said i'm growing and he said all it takes is one change, for things to change.  to resist, to want love from such a broken place. to resist the urge. and how long I've held them up and want more from them. give in to the independence of America girl. and the freedom inside of you. 
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dream 2

 another dream today, step. well received. God is good.  say no more. I was gonna write about my misgivings. we all know i'm here going with the flow and not knowing how I can change this around. but like usual, you and me will figure this out. 
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Dream

She was depressed. She was in a room.  Tia Margot was in the next bed. It was a room with two beds. She was finally vulnerable and said she thinks God is mad at her because she made a mistake. I stood up and said Dios es un Dios de amor y misericordia.  and I kept saying it and Tia Margot looked at me surprised. Like surprised that God was using me.  Dream ends. The dream before that was a guy, he had a girlfriend. He was always with her.  In one arm she was there. The other arm, there was me. It's like we were both linked to him. but I felt special, like he was only for me. Interesting.
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Shar's Music Review

The beginning to me sounds like a  soundtrack to a movie. I picture a field with tall grass fields on both sides and a lady driving in a big blue old school car.  As the song continues it brings up an intense feeling of nostalgia. The dada part evokes an ease of life. The snap part and the lyric about being part of community  (felt like we belong) is the highlight of the song.  HIT GOLD. 9/23 10:44pm
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Feelings

 this whole years has been about that. oh and how many feelings I have. Yes. And I think that's one of the biggest realizations you've been having this year: you have a lot of feelings. 😭 Not in a “you're too emotional” way. More like… you spent so much of your life being responsible, adapting, handling things, figuring things out, taking care of your son, moving forward—that there wasn't always much room to notice what was happening inside you . And this year, it's almost like the feelings keep introducing themselves: Oh, there's grief. Oh, there's loneliness. Oh, I really want partnership. Oh, I miss being cared for. Oh, I'm angry. Oh, I'm hopeful. Oh, I love beauty and music and being out. Oh, I want adventure. Oh, I want to be chosen. Oh, I need a witness. Oh, I actually really enjoy people. Oh, I want to be feminine and playful. Oh, I'm tired. Oh, I have joy too. And the interesting part is that the feelings aren't all...
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