Walks in the Park

 Today I reached happiness I walked out of work and walked Just walked for lunch break didnt feel pressure to eat. Ate after work, a dinner of drunk noodle Parts of my life that need to be organized: what to eat, weight to lose. I have moved to a new place that offers so many things: gym in front (cant quite afford yet) and bakeries and walk to school even though we did it only once on Monday now my son is off for a week. I'm draggin my feet into this job for bank, cannot imagine myself doing that. I also keep saying I applied for housing when I didnt. I think i find it easier to lie than to tell the truth: my dreams are way way bigger than this town. I rather not even do it. I cannot, for the life of me, can picture me living there in a place that makes me feel so horrible. Like the time i did laundry in 17th street. the place was attached to all these bad memories. I took Kenny on a drive yesterday, he was driving I was directing. All the spots I like, which basically are parks a

 into the smallest possible space my soul screams and shots and sounds that get unheard I am in my room, singing for the first time ever and i hear a knock on the door reminder my space is shared, even in living. here its not my own oh Lord how I long for my own home where no one can kick me out and i can have friends over and it doesn't uproot my life the guy was lying because he wanted money someone to pay the rent so he doesnt have to we have nowhere to go but God guides and wisdom is great idk why he has to hide i'll send a text I guess

 its September 27, 2024 I'm still alive. son is 10. no car, no house, no hubby I have breath in my lungs and the memories and feelings of Miami Beach are slowly fading away yesterday I saw a picture of Edwards in 9th and ocean drive and I felt nothing no memory came back to me, no feeling of sun and sunshine on my body maybe its been too long for me to feel it I woke up from a dream where I was fighting with my mother in front of others, in a car. I was in the back. my mom was in the back. in real life she's never in the back. if the front represents power, she has it all. she holds the perception and the impossible requests she, I am tired of speaking of she I went to my sisters it s happy family. its a family unit. I don't feel part of it. I'm not part of the happiness. I feel like extra, like trash that needs to be taken out. this is how I feel. where do I feel alive? nowhere in my life right now. florida was cool but I was un housed so there was that. I saw apartmen

 I go into instagram and it be suggesting all these careers and way to make money my desire is of course to have my own business have no skills? do I already have them? am I not who I'm supposed to be? how do I get to greatness I thought the word you told me would happen it kept me going 10 years ago now its 10 years later I've given my kid all I have I feel deflated need joy happiness, air inside my balloon I start yelling when I'm tired and he grunts at my talking most of our fights happen when we are late I see no one can bring me peace I knew that already if I can hack the brain and be successful I get overwhelmed so feel like hiding under a blanket show up to school and show up to work is like the minimum and that minimum is so hard we put our soul in the table for that I was so exhausted.

 walk in big mad not talkative big upset enrages me to see them in their happy little family while my world is falling apart when they need something  I'm expected to drop everything to help them when my household needs something feels like an option, an annoying request I needed a thermostat  got told to go to the hospital I needed laundry to get done for 2 weeks now, asked for help it didn't happen now I'm here washing uniforms in her house let's see if it happens if not I'll go to work with black and hope they don't fire me simple things laundry where to live getting to school on time nothing is right right now and now Venus wants to do a spontaneous bible study no thank you didn't know her back in my life would bring chaos not that she isn't but can't deal with people like that right now wanting to force a result I got the message thank you don't need a thorn in my side she'll probably get offended if she read this giving me solutions tha

 i rather have a world loud bustling when i step outside i rather have my curiosity fed i do not level up inside i like my house to be my enclave my escape from the world a place i go to heal and rest and have plants and then go outside and learn things in school and do different things yah heard?