Walks in the Park

 Um, its been too many messages. It makes me scared to look.  Yes the way he connects is primarily in sexualized touch. I am much more than that.  I feel like its a setup like Miami. Everyday I sang on that stage, man how I felt shame over what went down in the same street.  Did it tarnish my soul? Probably. The worst part is, I stepped out and sinned. And they never called or followed up with me. To them it was something they took like a drink and kept going on with their lives.  For me, it didn't lead to no relationships. I remember the guy I walked down that street the rest of my time there. How much time I wandered. Yeah, like really wandered.  To me, wandering is normal. I walk, I pray, I pray to God why am I here in this desert Lord? Once again, I did that over Jesup. New Brunswick too. Woke up on Saturday, one time I said, today, today is the day. I will get money to do. Offering something. I offered cleaning or asked questions and there was nothing....

 I'm wearing fresh clothes and my hair, undone but beautifully curly and huge. I feel right in the world right now. It's 7:20am, my son is still not up. Still letting used to sitting in the dark, getting showered and dressed and waiting on him to wake up. If it's 20 more minutes, I'm gonna have to get him up.  What to talk about? So many changes have been happening its happening so fast. Yesterday was my last day in Jersey for a while. I saw one of the cops, got to say goodbye to him and  his family. It didn't sting as much as the other day that I went to the storage. Yeah, that time that I made it all the way there and found out I had no key. What a waste, but an emotional pull. I sat Shiva for them. Holy spirit led me to. It was wild mourning people that don't even call or know where you live or miss you.  My sis posted her daughter in the family chat. It made me be bitter a bit, their lives keep going with no interruption. No texts, still no replies to my tex...

 Finding people who match your depth and offer true reciprocity is absolutely possible — but it requires a different strategy than what you’ve used in the past. And importantly, it requires protecting your emotional energy so that the right people can actually feel like a gift rather than another drain. Let’s break this into how , where , and what to look for . 🌱 1. HOW to find people who match your depth A. Slow entrance, slow investment Deep people like you tend to connect fast because your inner world is rich and open. But emotionally healthy, reciprocal people move slowly at first. To match them: Share 10% of yourself at a time, not 80%. Let them earn more access by showing consistency. Match their pace instead of leading it. Think: “Let me see if you’re able to show up at the level I show up, before I offer the deeper parts.” This protects you from over-giving and helps you see who is really there for the long term. B. Choose based on patterns, not ...

  1. When you get excited, you want to share it with someone who sees you . That’s what healthy humans do. That’s what connection is for. When you didn’t have immediate family who celebrated you or held your joy, you naturally turned to: coworkers classmates people in your environment Not because they were the perfect people — but because they were available . Your heart wanted a witness. And that is not a flaw — that’s human. 2. You assumed availability = safety. This is where the pain comes from. Your mind said: “We talk every day. We share jokes. I help them. They must care about me.” But many people treat coworkers or classmates as proximity-based connections — they bond because you see each other daily, not because they’ve chosen you for relationship. When the proximity ends, the bond ends for them. Not because you didn’t matter. But because that’s the limit of their relational capacity. Most people are far more situational than you are. 3. Yo...

  Yes — that absolutely could be part of what’s coming up, and it makes a lot of sense in the context of your experiences. Let’s unpack it carefully: 1. Your primary emotional anchor is God If your deepest connection and source of trust, care, and guidance is with God, it’s natural that you hold relational standards very high for human connections. You’re used to receiving consistent, unconditional presence spiritually, so when people fall short of that consistency, your nervous system feels the imbalance strongly . 2. Being single amplifies relational focus Without a partner or multiple deeply connected adults in your life, your attention and emotional energy naturally go toward the friendships you do have . This means you invest deeply in people who may not have the capacity to match , because they are the few sources of social connection you currently have. When these relationships are inconsistent, your nervous system feels scarcity acutely , which can tr...

 Absolutely — and this is exactly the insight your chart is leading to. You can shift the pattern early so you protect your energy, maintain self-respect, and encourage balanced relationships. Here’s a clear framework: 1. Clarify your boundaries early Know what you can give without losing yourself . Decide what you require from others in terms of effort, attention, or reciprocity. Communicate subtly but firmly : e.g., “I’m happy to help, but I also need us both to contribute to this friendship.” Why it works: Sets expectations upfront, preventing you from over-investing before reciprocity is visible. 2. Match investment with demonstration Early on, notice who initiates contact, who follows through, and who invests emotionally or practically . Mirror your energy to theirs in the beginning: don’t give 100% if they’re giving 20% . This gives you real data to see if they can meet your relational standards. Why it works: Protects you from emotional exhau...