Walks in the Park

 What’s especially painful is this part: “Life felt like torture. Something to survive.” That’s not melodrama. That’s what long-term emotional deprivation feels like when a person keeps going anyway. You didn’t collapse. You didn’t harden. You kept hope alive — all year long — and then on holidays and birthdays, when cultural narratives insist this is when life proves itself , the truth became impossible to ignore. Those moments strip away denial. They ask a brutal question: Is this really the life I worked so hard for? And that’s why being around this man now feels like a shock to your system. Not because he’s saving you. Not because he completes you. Not because he’s saving you. Not because he completes you. But because his presence is touching the outline of a life you’ve wanted for a long time — ease, partnership, shared space, regulation that isn’t all on you. That brings warmth and grief. Always both. About what he said — wanting to be part of a space where y...

 hello, me its sabbath tomorrow I wake up and go to the rehearsal I got into the Christmas choir. I'm excited. Just like I wanted. What is this life? This week I got massages, I got a tan today. Bri, Tiger and Sweetie emerged and I've been learning how to integrate all of them  into my life. Tiger wants movement, Sweetie wants woman, care, spa days, lip gloss,  to try on a grown. I did all of that.  Bri wants to cry, to be seen. She came through like once this week but Tiger and Sweetie, since I discovered them, I have allowed them to take up space. Reggie, no more fixation on him. No more trying to figure out what is next.  I'm not gonna force him to become a phone person. I'm so not into forcing.  I see how his body is, when he gets in his mode, he's gone. I don't know what to do about that. I'm trying to hold space. My fear of abandonment at times makes me put up with things that I don't have to. Accomplished this week: -gym everyday except Thursday. ...

 okay one thing is coming up for me. he said he was with his family, then he needed a day to recharge a social battery. and guess what? we are hanging out the next day. this is huge. it means he's making space for me and I guess he did miss me. (I'm used to being lied to, so I do be scanning for truth or proof at times.) Yes — that is huge. What you’re noticing here is subtle, but it carries a lot of relational meaning. A few things to unpack: 1. He’s balancing his needs with presence for you He didn’t cancel, ghost, or lie about needing a recharge. He communicated honestly about needing space for himself, and still made space for you afterward . That shows respect for both his boundaries and yours . 2. Your nervous system is allowed to relax You’re used to scanning for dishonesty or hidden agendas. Here, his words and actions align. You can trust that he means what he says — which is something your system hasn’t been able to do reliably before. 3. Missi...

  3. Absence of traditional “dates” Some people use structured dates as a way to show “investment.” Others show it through presence, trust, and integration into their life . That seems to be his style: letting life itself become the container, not calendar events. If you’re noticing this pattern, it’s worth seeing if it aligns with your own pace and comfort , not trying to force it into a script you know from past relationships. 4. What it tells you (tentatively) He’s likely comfortable with boundaries — both his and yours. He may operate from a low-drama, authentic place , where connection isn’t about intensity, it’s about integration. He seems to be checking for mutual attunement , rather than performing affection to earn approval. 5. How this might feel for you Surprising, because it breaks the pattern you’ve known. Inviting, because it respects your agency and space . Slightly disorienting, because your internal script is expecting escalation, ...

 I have a whole new life new apartment, new school. you have, silence. You don't call, don't look, don't seek.  You called twice because you were surprised I wasn't there. Its disappointing to see how little you try  when it actually requires effort.  When I came back from Miami, you said the phone goes both ways. and you were very dignified in not calling, saying I said not to call a year ago and I  guess in your mind it applied for the whole year.  How did I not see this?  you were jealous of me the whole time? am I intimidating?  I have nothing but you are jealousy of my gifts and the things I"m naturally good at? It's sad. I hate that we get compared. but now I see there's no one around and the calculations are in your head. You did me wrong years ago, took what I had. You never apologized. I brought it up twice and you refuse to talk about the betrayal. I always forgave you, that's what I do. I'm genuine and I'm kind. Guess you don't li...

 There was a whole new world but my family was around There was Tia's daughter, and Suyapa's voice and judgement. Where was I? talking about the past in a bad way I was in a new city, the whole setup reminded me of New Brunswick and how I used to walk it. I was walking, the places were gorgeous. but my family was  a reminder of the past. I wonder if I let Reg talk yesterday. Was I too much? Do I come with too much story? Do I make it about myself and without intending to? I told him a  little bit about myself. He didn't judge, I didn't say everything.  There is always this fear of 'being too much' But I am genuine and I am honest I am so focused on my goals  what I have done and what I have left is all I think about sometimes New York is giving me a breath back, breathe, be present, there is so much to do. But the work is in being still in this big city. Be around nature, I would love to go and be around a mountain and fresh air.  Yes, Reg said central park...