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I come back from church

 and you are, you want to have a conversation about  kicking us out Not what I was expecting after a weekend of making this place my own I got plants and a fish a comforter and a little tiny deer  I go to church starting thinking of how my church in in spanish, a language i wanted to connect with I saw that happen in Miami And the drumming, thought of how me and my son wanted  for him to learn the drums Dr Reyes says for me to stay put in my job and that she can maybe hire me for Fridays and Saturdays she needs someone. I told her i'm looking for a weekend job to pay the higher rent. She stays stay put, focus on yourself. Focus on your healing. Instability catches up to me again, Ive only been here but 10 days, My wound comes up, rejection and its met by the way I deal with it, pride. She says its not working for her and I have to give up the room. I speak to her and try to talk without showing too much emotion. I come to the room, I cry. I call Tia. I pray. I fall into tears into
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Update 11.7.24

 my room is taking shape i have 3 plants and 1 fish, the fish I always. wanted. Angel one time I expected him to get me one I was mad he didnt pick up o the hints.  I brought him what he needed, an umbrella on a rainy day when he was working He didnt give me a fish even though it was $1.  I got myself a fish, all these years later It's me allowing myself to have what I want and not wait around for someone to come around to help me with it all dreams, here I come. fish and plants. i have life in my room. and Alex too. I cant become like Tia and take too much on. I have to take care of myself.  But this is watering and feeding is doable. A Cycle of life.  Lady said to enter Facebook groups for plants and they will give advise on how to grow it. Such a difference for me and my son. He will be at lesly for 8 hours today while I work. I didnt want to drop him off at 8am. He is spending the morning with me.  Things I give up, can't do it all like I used to in Georgia. Zari said to ac
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piece

 Piece by piece, I have to bring together parts of life I love I wnat a house I want a real estate portfolio time is running out. not really, just passing. there is cyber security. of course i want to do estate planning lawyer. maybe later in life? i thought i would need to get married to do all these things, someone to support in watching Alex so that I can do things. but its 2024. its just simply not my life. i keep blocking what i want.  not able to attract it. wanted love, get narcs. want money, get bad jobs.  i am grateful for the opportunity. i'm skipping on the lesson. i wanted to work and be able to invest. did instagram lie to me?  its better to work no, than to have no opportunity and the hopelessness of that. but god, how good it was to wake up and talk to you and talk to Tia and be able to raise my son how i wanted. now i work and i don't spend as much time with him. i hope all that time all that i poured into him is good enough for now. i know some people work so m
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Today

 Today I reached happiness I walked out of work and walked Just walked for lunch break didnt feel pressure to eat. Ate after work, a dinner of drunk noodle Parts of my life that need to be organized: what to eat, weight to lose. I have moved to a new place that offers so many things: gym in front (cant quite afford yet) and bakeries and walk to school even though we did it only once on Monday now my son is off for a week. I'm draggin my feet into this job for bank, cannot imagine myself doing that. I also keep saying I applied for housing when I didnt. I think i find it easier to lie than to tell the truth: my dreams are way way bigger than this town. I rather not even do it. I cannot, for the life of me, can picture me living there in a place that makes me feel so horrible. Like the time i did laundry in 17th street. the place was attached to all these bad memories. I took Kenny on a drive yesterday, he was driving I was directing. All the spots I like, which basically are parks a
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life wants to squeeze me

 into the smallest possible space my soul screams and shots and sounds that get unheard I am in my room, singing for the first time ever and i hear a knock on the door reminder my space is shared, even in living. here its not my own oh Lord how I long for my own home where no one can kick me out and i can have friends over and it doesn't uproot my life the guy was lying because he wanted money someone to pay the rent so he doesnt have to we have nowhere to go but God guides and wisdom is great idk why he has to hide i'll send a text I guess
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Hi its me

 its September 27, 2024 I'm still alive. son is 10. no car, no house, no hubby I have breath in my lungs and the memories and feelings of Miami Beach are slowly fading away yesterday I saw a picture of Edwards in 9th and ocean drive and I felt nothing no memory came back to me, no feeling of sun and sunshine on my body maybe its been too long for me to feel it I woke up from a dream where I was fighting with my mother in front of others, in a car. I was in the back. my mom was in the back. in real life she's never in the back. if the front represents power, she has it all. she holds the perception and the impossible requests she, I am tired of speaking of she I went to my sisters it s happy family. its a family unit. I don't feel part of it. I'm not part of the happiness. I feel like extra, like trash that needs to be taken out. this is how I feel. where do I feel alive? nowhere in my life right now. florida was cool but I was un housed so there was that. I saw apartmen
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talk with God

 I go into instagram and it be suggesting all these careers and way to make money my desire is of course to have my own business have no skills? do I already have them? am I not who I'm supposed to be? how do I get to greatness I thought the word you told me would happen it kept me going 10 years ago now its 10 years later I've given my kid all I have I feel deflated need joy happiness, air inside my balloon I start yelling when I'm tired and he grunts at my talking most of our fights happen when we are late I see no one can bring me peace I knew that already if I can hack the brain and be successful I get overwhelmed so feel like hiding under a blanket show up to school and show up to work is like the minimum and that minimum is so hard we put our soul in the table for that I was so exhausted.
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