THIS IS THE WORST

 I have felt,


Truly


one thing is depression and anxiety attacks


this new wave is like uggghh


I want to escape my skin

it hurts to be me

everything is a trigger like little noises or things that squirm


reminds me of the time i saw those movies, spiders all crawling up on your ear or leaving your pocket 

as yu werent' looking


those spidy senses, squeaky clean


does Alex no longer need me? Am I valuable to anyone?


This is the most rejected I have ever been


at least in my delusion I thought people loved me

the reality is more scarse,


no one does


my kid, God, who died for me.

any other kindness is short lived.

out of mind, out of sight, that's how it has been


I once wanted to give someone all my love

like a daughter

or a significant other


and my future king posted his current queen

she's like Queen Vasti

I am Esther, the one sent by grace.


I don't know how I will have it

I don't know why people fall for me for my looks


God please help me understand it

I cant keep going like this. 2 more hours.


I want to lock myself up in the closet. 

I want to feel safe again.

Maybe get out of here. When I walk, at least I'm not in this state.


All these kids remind me how I'm failing as a mother and I don't have my own


I am a vulnerable one

like the bible says

I am like a widowed woman

and my son is called a 'fatherless'

god really felt for those two types


my baby daddy is alive

but he as might as well be dead

It would be the same, it would be the same.

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