Then there are times

Then there are times

When I wonder

what is the point of it all

all the life I have lived

and all its hardship

and how I am not sharing it with anyone else

in my art or my writings

my gifts and all my things

in 5 or 10 will I matter?

do I matter now?


Most of my life in my mind I console myself with

being future minded

then when that disappointed, I dreamed some new dreams

with every new opportunity I kept believing it would happen

I am too much with God to know otherwise

I have faith, I have pride

I know my life is going in a certain trajectory

but I am aware talks like these creep people out

or maybe they creep me out in that they mark me as different


When I speak I speak of my current situation and I hate that talk

before I feel so far removed

but its the truth. My house is a mess, I am always behind catching up with a bill

but I have all I said I wanted. time with my son, pick and drop off to school.

I have time to write, but instead I use it to read.

I am learning new things that is busying my mind with new ideas and new ways


But I am getting tired of the struggle

always waiting for the carpet to be taken out from my feet

so unstable I feel, at all times

My only stability is God and the fact that me and my son will be one family unit

Other things faded away like water into the waves

receding one into the other

I see how all my years have led me here

Yet I stand at a crossroads, seeing how my next season is almost here

The season where some of the stuff comes true.  

and I am not scared, but sometimes I am. I feel prepared.

Then I feel like I'm too broke to be wanted by someone

but maybe that someone needs to be myself.

Can I accept myself fully? Or is it something in the way I

phrased the question, looking for acceptance that I seek

or the love I avow? no, that is not it.

It is the vulnerability of me that it will require to let someone in.

and so many fears and so many hopes and so much obligation, in that God said so.

So is it like 'it must work?' no, that is not the energy

its more like trust

I trust him because I trust you and God has never led me astray you say (its me)