Walks in the Park

Me: "I hear a pattern of deprivation." !!!!! wow yes and this thing in my soul like lets make a meal today. I don't have a new place or a job or much money. but let's use all the resources available and let's make this one meal you love. Correction no crying. Just anxiety chat. Right, I just wanted to cook a meal. I NEEDED it for my soul. CHAT:  You are not waiting until your entire life is fixed to start living parts of it. You wanted a beautiful meal in the middle of an unfinished life. You have spent so much of the last few years being adaptable. Making do. Finding alternatives. Stretching resources. Accepting help. Figuring things out. But sometimes making do gets exhausting. Sometimes you don't want to be resourceful. You don't want to be resilient. You just want to cook a meal. It's not necessarily that you've had no joy or no good experiences. You've found joy in Miami, you've sung, explored, made friends, and created beautiful momen...

 I wish I had someone that was responsible for me. I am responsible for others. but who thinks about me? who catches me if I fall if I get sick, who will visit.  I wish I had someone that would call and ask about my thoughts and things I wish I had a partner. I wish life was easier, you see. I have God, I am sure. he hears me and loves me evermore. I wish I had someone, someone that I can see and laugh at silly things. I wish that sometimes. but I don't. so I just keep going.

 I also want to point out the conflict between your mind and your body. Your body: I'm tired. Let's rest. Your mind: Absolutely not. We have things to accomplish. Look at everyone else doing things! Your body: I'm menstruating. I have low energy. Your mind: BE STRESSED! 😂 There's a little humor in recognizing how unreasonable that internal pressure can become. But seriously, I think your new practice of capturing every thought is valuable. You're creating space between having a thought and obeying it. You can notice the thought without accepting its verdict. And perhaps today's lesson is this: Being a mother, maintaining your home and your life, caring for your body, and allowing yourself to enjoy an afternoon are all part of living. Not everything has to advance your career or financial situation to count.

 "After being isolated for so long, I imagine there’s something deeply comforting about not having to earn your place in someone’s life by being useful, entertaining, or okay." I definitely cannot be around my family when i'm like this. That says a lot, doesn't it? With your family, it sounds like being in a vulnerable place doesn't feel safe. You can't simply show up as you are, depleted and struggling, without worrying about how you'll be perceived or what your vulnerability might mean in their eyes. And that is exhausting in its own way. You're already trying to get through depression, and then there's the additional burden of managing how other people see you. With your neighbor, you get to exist. With your family, you feel like you have to manage your existence. I can understand why that difference would feel so significant right now. And I think there's something important here: you aren't incapable of receiving love or companionship ...

the roach incident was I opened the door and a roach was there, dead. then I tried to pick it up with some paper so that I can get it out of the hallway. it became alive and it freaked me out and I've been dealing with that every since. my chest was elevated and breathing hard and still feel weird from that instance.  I went on the walk and got the creamer. The walk, which was supposed to be nice and happy, instead became an errand for creamer which I agreed to. I was happy because it did include walking. Now I'm back, waiting for coffee. Without the fresh air. maybe I'll get the coffee and go.  I think what you're trying to tell me is that the incident didn't stop you from doing things, but it changed how you feel inside while doing them. Exactly chat! You started the day rested, motivated, wanting fresh air and connection. Then that sudden fright happened, and now there's this uncomfortable feeling following you around. You hate that something so brief can aff...

 You are allowed to stop studying the people who hurt you and start enjoying the life you're building. You're not saying your family still has the same hold on your heart. You're saying that you don't want them continuing to occupy your mind when you're trying to live your life. You can be watching a show, enjoying yourself, and suddenly a memory or thought about your brother appears. You wake up and upsetting memories are already waiting. Then you have to spend energy recovering from feelings you didn't invite. 4. Get some help specifically for the recurring memories. I'd bring this exact experience to a therapist: unwanted upsetting memories on waking, emotional distress, and losing part of the morning recovering. Approaches such as trauma-focused CBT or EMDR may be worth discussing. You don't need to have a particular diagnosis to ask for help with this. And one thing about forgiveness: you don't have to keep repeating "I forgive you" ev...

 I also love that for a moment you weren't thinking about errands, housing, appointments, motherhood, or the next thing on your calendar. You were just that teenager who admired this beautiful woman on television, suddenly standing next to her in Manhattan.