David 2.5.23

 today God said you are coming soon

and I went into freak-out mode

been crying all day, I miss my kid

I cant sleep so I thought let me wake up and write it all down

first of all how do I know that you are going to like me?

Do you like people that look like me? 

I'm Dominican from a tropical island

Did you want to stay in your race or are you concerned how it would look?

second am I pretty enough?

I have curly hair

this society likes straight hair

third do I look good enough to be with a person that is a public figure?

nah I'm like yeah Auris you are supposed to be a public figure

TRUE but I'm not yet as of today, 2.5.23 nobody knows my name

I'm the world to Alex but no one to everyone else

If I get married to you will I get thrust into a spotlight I'm not even ready for

I don't even like people knowing I buy underwear

It's like Paris Hilton but it is an audience that I didn't develop

fourth, you dress like suits and serious all the time

I'm like silly and funny I hear and people laugh when I speak

Can you calm down, can you come and relax? do you laugh? do you poop?

of course you laugh and you poop but why don't I see you as human?

I see you as someone who has been winning since 29

I was part of the companies

I sat in the nosebleed section

You were on stage

I've been developing my relationship with God all these years

all attempts at success have failed as I haven't reached the finish line

yes I graduated and I can sing and all my gifts are things that the world 

seems to not want and value, yes not even my family

recently cut them off. can you believe it? Auris a family oriented person

has to leave her own family

my son is not with me right now. my heart is out there about to join soccer and 

someone else is dressing him. I was 11 cents short of buying 1.25 chips today.

This is my life. this is today. Someone is taking care of my son. Someone is dressing him.

God said Let go I got this. I say why I gotta sacrifice so much.

God has told me so much about you. and all the prophesies he has told me

They have all come true. the only one left is us. getting married. walking down the aisle.

I been planning the wedding in my mind for a while. Today I added a whole bunch of new performances.

Hope you like learning how to dance bachata. 

I have hopes of our family. I have hopes and I see what I can do.

There are so many dreams I have for us. It eats me up inside

So much life to be lived. I'm not gonna mention the things.

but will you like me? will I like you? what would we even talk about?

do we have anything in common? God says yes.

but I don't see it, boo.

you rich and I don't see the hardship. yes the recent years  you have fallen

and publicly failed in the personal life thing.

but I am best friends with failure. 

I don't judge so harshly yet.

I always felt unworthy. and most days don't see my value.

God is making me realize that now. I've been around people that are

intimidated by my greatness.

I've been pretending for so long to be normal.

in order to be loved

and they used all my gifts.

and didn't value them at all.

family, friends.

I gave and gave

tired, depleted

came to Florida

drawing that final line

love for me, David

was always an equation within which we call subtraction

so I see love as a job

where I give everything

and I might get a touch

never an 'I love you'

without the manipulation of 'what do you want me to do for you?'

I'm broken, David

I have been working on healing for a long time

I'm accountable for my mistakes

I don't see sometime why my environment has taken part of that

just left a toxic family

didn't know they were toxic until recently

I just want to raise my son and cook

I know I gotta work to live in this modern world

I never had enough money to act on my ideas

broke and faith they go hand in hand for me

faith is all I ever had

the willingness to keep going

against the odds

like the slaves leaving Egypt on foot, 

the soldiers in horses behind them

I've been running a long time

never quite arriving

at times God parted the red sea

made miracles and things worked out when they shouldn't

and I'm here

to meet you

to fulfill this last prophecy in the list

to end my life

and start a new one

I hope you accept me

Love is healing

I want to heal

I want peace

I want consistency

and a decisive partner, that knows how to lead me and our family