Provision

God I pray for provision, as you have always done with me.

Help me to provide for my son. Help me make the right decisions to do so.

I decided to go after my brother's job (it helps him provide for his family).

and go back to school for a career working with kids that makes more than teaching (even though I know you were calling me to be a teacher when I was in NB).

I'm making decisions, not leaving things to chance because last summer I was almost homeless and I have a son now. Chance is not good enough. and having faith needs to have a new definition for me.

I am torn. My son, my world. How did you give up your son? but I understand that you love us so so much.

Sidebar, I really want to live in hot weather and I really want my son to grow up in a home. (basically grow up the way I did). Instead I am in Bayonne and I'll stay here because here is family.

I am scared to go and go to another town by myself with my son, I feel like it's not enough. I did that already and I know I need community, and the deepest community is family. There is so much healing in coming back to Bayonne.

God I want a husband, but I feel the more I want it the more you want me to not need it. or maybe its not you, maybe it's just life. how can I not have the one thing I have wanted my whole life? but you cannot force love and I have made many mistakes with men (especially choosing them).

But I know that's not the end of my story and I need to step into my greatness. Somehow, my son fits into all of this. Giving birth to him has given me a new awareness, I'm less selfish. funny thing is, I never thought I was selfish until now.

Tears in my eyes when I started writing this. Provision. I'm spending time taking care of my son and that comes with its own set of challenges. I try and not think of when I'll go back to work because I know it'll break my heart to leave him. I remember so close when I was a child, and how much I needed love. Tia Margot took such good care of me, and its shaped me for the rest of my life. My son I think is like me, he requires a lot of love. and I remember. that's why I pray his father loves him just as much as I do, and is protective of him, and takes him on. Takes on the challenge, just like I am.

God I pray, I know prayer is powerful. I also pray for my future, and the plans that you have for me. I pray for motivation and clear vision for where I am going. I feel like I've spent this life walking the streets praying to you and not figuring it out. Need direction and need affirmation that I'm going in the right path.

ps. i know you love me. when i worked at the restaurant you told me to rest. i didnt understand at the time, and then it turned out i was pregnant with new life inside of me. wow, i saw that when i read this blog. i was fustrated at your words but you were right, like you always are.