Walks in the Park

 my constant need to bring up the past and talk about the bad things that happened I do it without thinking I hate that I feel like I have no control a 5 minute conversation turns into more Do I want recognition? Do I want acknowledgment? "Auris, I'm sorry that happened to you" Do I want pity? Why does it happen? Why do I stop? I'm reading this book and he had was failure to share and he didn't share it he just kept working and was in his mind, a minefield if you ask me of bad experiences and he's trying to make sense of it I'm sure there's good in my life of course, there's been good so many different times I still feel like a prisoner  but the premise of 'can't hurt me' was, find the lesson admits the pain find a way to push through like he always did and his mind's inability to stop him the inevitable why why do something that might lead you to die? what are you trying to prove? It means I won't succomb to it the struggle and...

 what is the most loving thing you can think of? someone to come along and set everything up and say to me 'all you have to do is write' wow, I said wow. Let's stay there, forget any other thoughts All you have to do is write how loving, how caring,  all you have to do is use your gift and bless the world we can worry about the marketing later that will mean someone else will clean and make breakfast and take care of my son and I'll be there with the grass and the nice view and a little wooden house with that window, you know that window that allows the sun's ray's to come in  and give you the sense of looking out in nature without dealing with the mosquitos and I'll hear those wonderful words, the most beautiful words I have ever heard, "all you have to do is write" writing is my release its my output of all the things that I take in everyday I take in your lack of beauty, world and your lack of compassion and I feel it how I felt it and I compare...

with men says runway he would have picked girl over his friend too there is a deeper issue with men and trust and  I realize I don't want to be that friend that doest get picked to be there for you after I left the bed of my son you made it sound like an emergency I show up you are fine she had never called me with that kind of request is it because I had a car? now you think I am available now to be your errand girl? I thought I was responsible for you and you got Trent to be responsible for you its good, now he's your errand boy and you couldn't even give us a ride that time we were all waiting and it was cold the world is cruel runway said he would have done the same girl over friend boy over me a lifetime of being second to the men the dick as I call it my brother he was the favorite the white men in the jobs it's built up, this resentment the way they get to be players and women have to be women of the house I never liked playing house I liked being outside Isn...

 then you get bitter mad at God because he asked you to come and I say why would you put me in this vulnerable situation you know the things that have happened nothing would happen if I had a stable home and then you feel bad for being born a girl and weak and with a big sensitive heart pretend to be rough out there but here I can't pretend it hurt me, it all hurt me, the people and their fake niceness, it hurts me and I m tried of crying but glad its finally coming out when you are a  girl and homeless and keep walking the streets the comfort of being still is something you can not begin to imagine you think by moving a lot you won't look homeless just like a regular person walking I was pregnant and in subway and the guy he felt bad for me and I was so beautiful and so great and there I was, pregnant and alone with the guy working across the street and he wouldn't come to me they say you replay the past daddy why did you leave and angel why did you have to leave to you sa...

 father I've had too much father a phd in failure keep suffering, Auris I went to Miami  got exposed to things I never had I didn't know I could live in a place where nothing was broken I had to train my eye to stop looking at the things  that I couldn't fix but my cleaning eye still sees You get used to things being mediocre like your life and things not going the way you thought, like your life and yes I'm not married or pregnant I have never been a mother to a girl and I don't know what it is for a guy to hold my belly with the baby that we are both excited for Oh how I marvel at these experiences and no one worries about me well my aunt does and my mom but I find that annoying, look at it here I am hard to please I guess When I had nobody, my aunt housed me then my mom I was ashamed, I was unwanted Angel shows up 5 years later like a group of fixers way after the hurricane has passed how did it go? am I the dad? fuck you nigga that's the anwer you knew you n...

 home doesn't feel like home I keep sleeping in but I think its because I stay up late because I've been napping my body's exhausted not enough food no energy, no more new experiences  I loved how when we woke up in South Beach we walked to get food Samuel was pissed but we were on our way to the beach before calamity hit and another hotel that we must leave by 11am another day to try and make it the Wednesday is when the money came I stayed so that I could go to court who knew that would be my breakthrough? all worked out in favor and he said here's the hotel key and I stayed and he didn't stay. he came around 5am he was disappointed the women kept calling  that didn't want us to go to tampa we went and looked at bad properties all the stuff I did in NJ before leaving he was so focused and I wanted to clean the house before I left so that he could put the place in Airbnb  like he said I wanted him to look at houses in the place so that I could be alone and be a...

 is here I sleep, way too much got no energy to do what I have to do clean this house clean up the messes clean up a house that I no longer want to live in wake up my bank account every day windling I had hope the PPP was coming in I was going to be able to buy an asset that paid for my life Finally Auris was going to win Finally, gotta go for it What now? wait, keep waiting for PPP stop sleeping, my body is weak get mentally strong  how to make the depression go away? I hate keeping secrets Jane is no longer available I want to sound the alarm alarm ya'll  Auris is having a hard time I don't like doing this alone