Walks in the Park

So tired but why so hard to sleep? My son is knocked out I'm afraid to wake him. Today i read my journal from 2008 and 2009. I was falling for Ryan and working in insurance. praying for direction and felling stuck in this routine. fast foward 2 years BOA same thing. what future to create, what goals to set. am i going in the right direction

i had this thought that I am paying for my mistakes with my son.  I have this thought when I am really fustrated, tired, sleepless, and he keeps crying and i don't know what to do aka overwelmed. But this is a lie! my son is the blessing. he is the answer to the instability in my life (previously). he is forcing me to be more stable and he is a stakeholder in my life. Life is no longer about me.  And I like that I have someone to answer to (God) but also someone that my life affects (my son).   It leads to me making better decisions. It's 11:20pm. I've been tired since my son went to sleep at 9pm.

I am sensitive. Today I cried over my son, so easily. I am vulnerable, my heart is open and I feel so much. When I am in a relationship, (I should say in faith when I am married) I like to be catered to. I want someone to wonder about me, care about me, like I do for my son. Does that make sense? I can be stable, matter of fact I want it. I really desire a partner, to share life with. I feel so vulnerable with my son. I feel financially vulnerable (provision has to come) and just in every way. I feel in need of protection. It makes me think of women around the world, and today I kept thinking what if a woman has nowhere to live or lost her job and has a child. what then? what resources can she turn to? It's something that's been on my mind a lot. the condition of women around the world. Another thing is, building community. I feel like its my calling? like look at this, I can leave and do something outside of the community. but if I am here in Bayonne, what can I ...

God I pray for provision, as you have always done with me. Help me to provide for my son. Help me make the right decisions to do so. I decided to go after my brother's job (it helps him provide for his family). and go back to school for a career working with kids that makes more than teaching (even though I know you were calling me to be a teacher when I was in NB). I'm making decisions, not leaving things to chance because last summer I was almost homeless and I have a son now. Chance is not good enough. and having faith needs to have a new definition for me. I am torn. My son, my world. How did you give up your son? but I understand that you love us so so much. Sidebar, I really want to live in hot weather and I really want my son to grow up in a home. (basically grow up the way I did). Instead I am in Bayonne and I'll stay here because here is family. I am scared to go and go to another town by myself with my son, I feel like it's not enough. I did that...

tonight i was at a party. not really a baby shower. mom thought the noise was too loud for baby. i said it was fine ( I am the mother, my opinion should be the last deciding factor.) I said that based on information that I've read, that babies likes loud noises. I have a baby that cries a lot. There he was awake, quiet and calm (he was happy). Believe me, if he wasn't happy he would have let the whole world know by crying. I explained this to my mother, in one ear and out the other. it's a constant battle, of old wives' tale and medical information that I follow. She doesnt believe in taking the baby out at all. I did that, it was driving me crazy. This is the second time since he's been born that we go to a function. anyways, my mom made an executive decision and decided to override me and just leave the party with the baby and go to the car. fast foward, i'm dancing iwth my brother but feel like i'm not really there because i keep thinking about the ...

I think about you all the time. (when I have time to think) You are in my thoughts, and I don't mean that to be flattering or anything. It's just the truth. In my mind, we are friends. The lies that have been told are far behind us and we are in a place where there is no reason to lie anymore. I guess my thoughts are the relationship we could have if we are cordial. I think about sharing my thoughts with you, my life, my relationships. No stone left unturned. No questions that I can't answer. I think of sharing myself with you, the lessons that life has taught me. Interesting right? to share that with Manuel, the person that for me is so hard to forgive. The person by whom I have felt the greatest betrayal. How to live, and how to move on. How to forgive one another, over and over again. And yet, you may not be the one. This thought haunts me as well. That test, and those results and oh the shame if you aren't. It's a storm that I have to pass. It...

I've spent the last year being pregnant, becoming a mother, and now being in love with my son, Alexander Jeremiah. What a journey, and what series of events that have led me here. Everyone has a story and this is mine. Lately, I haven't been able to take my walks in the park. trust me, today i really wanted to. instead i washed the dishes and watched and sanitized bottles. yeah, good use of personal time. and now, i should be sleeping because baby is sleeping and everyone knows you must sleep when he sleeps ( I never take that advice and pay for it later). so instead of taking my walks. i read this whole blog and I've decided that I will go back to it. as a mom, i don't have time for me. It frustrates me a lot. so this is something I can do, for me.  and no one else. this will become my walk in the park. I hope it's enough.